Urgghhhh

Christmas is coming

2011-12-12T20:41:00.001-08:00

Well now, it's been a while, hasn't it?
Since I was last on here, there have been some changes in la vie de moi.
For most of the time I've been doing the same old nothing, sitting on my ass in my house.
I did do a bunch of arts n crafts type things, and rearranged the bookshelf and added a bit of christmas to the place (with paper snowflakes and christmas lights). I also wrote a bunch of friends very nice letters, which was fun. and I've been doing some drawing. I did this picture of an internet person (Olga Breslavets aka holypeaches) which I am very proud of.

It's the first time I've ever really tried pencil shading, so I think it turned out rather well. I can still see so many flaws, but not as many as right after I drew it :) also the picture has saturation upped a little, so that it's actually possible to see the drawing (I don't own a scanner), so it looks a bit different in reality.

today I bought some christmas decorations, and tomorrow or the next day I'm going to go find a little tree to put in the corner of my small home. (I'm thinking like 2 or 3 feet tall)
I also want to make a centerpiece out of sticks and twigs, and gold ribbon. maybe make it so some candle can go in the middle? I dunno.
when all my friends are home I want to have a fancy, boozy hot chocolate party. I found this great recipe. I wish I had more pretty cups though.

meanwhile, in non-creative Nyckeija land, I have gotten a job, finally. At the moment it's just a small thing, sort of helping around the house for this woman with a 7 month year old baby (as well as two older children, but they're in school). Today was my first day, and I spent it bouncing the baby before his nap, then vacuuming the house, folding the laundry, and preparing their dinner.
It's only going to be two days a week, 8 hours in total, but the woman has also given me the number of a bunch of other families looking for part-time childcare. Between them all I could end up working just about full-time, and if I manage to be successful at saving money, by the summer I'll have enough to actually fulfill all my plans (only, you know, a year delayed).
The little boy, Levi, is absolutely adorable. He's half filipino, and has the biggest, cutest smile. And he seems to like me too, which is good (and, according to the mum, sort of rare).

So that's about it for me. It's just about time for bed!

Icelandic Horses, and dogs.

2011-11-16T01:03:00.000-08:00

So I was looking up pictures of Iceland, because it is absolutely beautiful and I really, really want to go there some day... and then there was once place called "Fjallaback Nature Reserve", and I remembered once of my Icelandic horses (way back when I had horses. Or more, my stepmom had horses that I got to sometimes pet) was named Fjalla. So I decided to try and remember all the names of the horses we had, and find out what they mean. To begin with, I checked Bangsi, who was the horse I got to ride, and I knew his name meant teddy bear. But I checked it anyways, and sure enough it translated to teddy. Then I checked Kappi, the other horse that was rideable, and found out his name meant warrior, which made a lot of sense, and I think I already knew somewhere in my head. This is the rest of them:

Fjalla - Discuss
Elska - Love
Gersemi - Smashed
Mokkis - Mocha
Vísir - News
Hrímfaxi - Frosty-mane
Kola - Coal
Blúnda - Snooze
Örn - Eagle
Strákur - Guy

Some of them didn't seem to have names that translate into anything, like Dara, Pila, Silja and Eva. I guess they're just names.

Lots of these seem like typical animal names, but there's a couple oddballs that make me wonder at the reliability of Google Translate, Like "Discuss" and "Smashed".

Annie (my stepmom) liked to name them all in Icelandic, since they were Icelandic horses, but if they weren't she probably would have named them in Swedish (since she's from Sweden). Like our dog, Smolan (meaning breadcrumb). The ones I named were Lucky and Happy.

I miss them all. I can't wait to go to Sweden and visit them all again.

So, yep. That's a bunch of Icelandic words.... I don't think that was even all the horses we owned. Some of these I only remember from looking at one of my journals from back then. Crazy.

weird dream.

2011-11-08T14:27:00.001-08:00

Last night, I slept for 15 hours.
During those 15 hours, I had this recurring dream that I haven't had for years, but I had twice last night, involving me running away from something and hiding in this giant patch of growing things (they were like massive tuburs, or like devil's snare but bigger) in water, and there were people wandering around farming in them. And I was looking after this child, that kept floating between 2 and 10 years old. We would hold our breath underwater anytime the harvesters came near.
The second time I had the dream, I sorta floated underneath the plants and there was this massive bookstore/restaurant/coffeeshop, and I joined a long line of people who were going to work there. I was freaking out because I had none of the proper paperwork, and I was running from government-like things before, so I was afraid I would be caught (and what? I can't remember), but the person didn't even really look at them, and then there was some sort of training that I can't remember now, and then they said "go" and it was supposed to be a sort of test/practise thing to see if I would be hired, and I asked where, and they said the soy section.
I had no idea what they meant, so I started just walking through the place like I knew where I was going. I was walking past a bunch of rows of book shelves, and then I noticed the last row said "soy" so I went in it. And there was someone there, and I asked if they wanted anything and they said something like "jello" but it was more complicated, and the place was super busy and loud, but I pretended I understood and went to the cash registar place, pressed a button that looked vaguely like what the person ordered. Then the thing appeared, I grabbed it and went back to the soy section, but the lady wasn't there so I spent a while searching for her. I finally found her, and she had already got what she wanted on her own, but took the jello thing anyways. then I went back to the soy section, to see if there was anyone else who needed help, and there was this tall table which hadn't been there before, with 4 people sitting there. One of them was the child I'd been looking after, but she didn't recognize me. the other 3 were all people I recognized from earlier in my dream, but I can't remember where from. They all ordered stuff, and then I wished I had a notebook to write it down, but I didn't. I also wanted to put them in the dining room section, but they refused to leave. That's about when I woke up (though there was a small space of time when I was awake but not really, and materialised menus for them, and an apron and notebook for me. then I really woke up)
Throughout that part of the dream, I would see random people I know in real life wandering around the place.
During those 15 hours, I had this recurring dream that I haven't had for years, but I had twice last night, involving me running away from something and hiding in this giant patch of growing things (they were like massive tuburs, or like devil's snare but bigger) in water, and there were people wandering around farming in them. And I was looking after this child, that kept floating between 2 and 10 years old. We would hold our breath underwater anytime the harvesters came near.
The second time I had the dream, I sorta floated underneath the plants and there was this massive bookstore/restaurant/coffeeshop, and I joined a long line of people who were going to work there. I was freaking out because I had none of the proper paperwork, and I was running from government-like things before, so I was afraid I would be caught (and what? I can't remember), but the person didn't even really look at them, and then there was some sort of training that I can't remember now, and then they said "go" and it was supposed to be a sort of test/practise thing to see if I would be hired, and I asked where, and they said the soy section.
I had no idea what they meant, so I started just walking through the place like I knew where I was going. I was walking past a bunch of rows of book shelves, and then I noticed the last row said "soy" so I went in it. And there was someone there, and I asked if they wanted anything and they said something like "jello" but it was more complicated, and the place was super busy and loud, but I pretended I understood and went to the cash registar place, pressed a button that looked vaguely like what the person ordered. Then the thing appeared, I grabbed it and went back to the soy section, but the lady wasn't there so I spent a while searching for her. I finally found her, and she had already got what she wanted on her own, but took the jello thing anyways. then I went back to the soy section, to see if there was anyone else who needed help, and there was this tall table which hadn't been there before, with 4 people sitting there. One of them was the child I'd been looking after, but she didn't recognize me. the other 3 were all people I recognized from earlier in my dream, but I can't remember where from. They all ordered stuff, and then I wished I had a notebook to write it down, but I didn't. I also wanted to put them in the dining room section, but they refused to leave. That's about when I woke up (though there was a small space of time when I was awake but not really, and materialised menus for them, and an apron and notebook for me. then I really woke up)
Throughout that part of the dream, I would see random people I know in real life wandering around the place.

nanowrimo, I guess.

2011-11-02T17:49:00.000-07:00

So today I realised that I don't really want to be a writer. It's just that writing seems to be the only thing that I think I'm good at, so it's like the only option. I mean, writing for me is a love/hate relationship at it's best. I cannot fully describe my feelings about writing, which I guess just goes to show how much I still have to improve upon. I think I like the idea of writing more than the act itself, which I think is true with just about everything else in life. And I do enjoy the product of writing, and there are times when I'm crafting some sentence that I love the act of it, but for the most part.. I don't know. It stresses me out a lot, and I'm very self-conscious about it, and there's my superiority/inferiority complex, which is the most complicated complex. I don't even know if it's a real one, but I have it.

Anyways, the reason I'm thinking of all this is because I decided to attempt nanowrimo (again), and this time I'm refusing to give up after 100 words (like last time). Except I tend to be very nihilistic and unsupportive when it comes to myself, so I keep on going through stages of "I can't do this, this is impossible, I suck, blah blah blah". But I'm only going to hate myself more if I fail. Or if I do fail, I want to fail with at least 35, 000 words. A failure I can be proud of.
And you'd think by the massive amounts of ramblings I manage to spout on this blog, and in the letters I write to friends, I'd be quite capable of this. But writing a story is very different, and more complicated. If I do succeed, it's probably going to be with a very badly written, terribly plotted product. But at least I'll be able to say that I did it.

Rambling Ranch AKA my brain

2011-10-18T16:07:00.003-07:00

Last night I got home from the city after a weekend of hanging out with friends I don't see very often, and I felt quite inexplicably miserable. Just very much not happy. And I can't figure out why.
This morning I was slightly more positive, but still not fully so.
I'm thinking maybe it's a weather thing, even though it's been wonderfully sunny all week. But it is definitely autumn now, and it's getting colder. As Ned Stark so often says, Winter is Coming. And around this time last year I was even more despondent than I am now. And, now that I think about it, I got happier around winter proper, then depressed again around the spring, and happier during the summer. So I guess I just have some sort of weird mood fluctuations having to do with the season. Which is especially strange because I used to always say that Spring and Autumn were my favourite seasons.
In any case, I am just generally not at my full capacity of positivity at the moment, doubly spurred on by how much I want to be in Europe right now and am instead in Pemberton, with no job.
But! Tonight I'm going to Whistler with some friends to watch a movie and have dinner (it's Cheap Tuesday at the theatre - and if that's supposed to be a good sounding combination of words, instead of any other day of the week, then how can people argue that Tuesday isn't pronounced with a bit of a ch noise? But I digress), so while I'm in Whistler I'm thinking I can drop off some resumes in person, which I hope will give a better impression than just emailing them.

So now I'm going to go to the library to print of said resumes, buy some milk for my tea (Oh, and while in the city I bought a loose leaf tea strainer ball thing, so I can FINALLY have some of the huge amounts of loose leaf tea I own), and then plan my outfit for tonight - we're supposed to be dressed nicely, to give our outing a bit of class. I'm thinking blue floral shirt I got from the second hand store recently, black high waisted skirt, black tights, bright blue scarf Leif gave me for my birthday, cardigan, leather jacket. Or maybe I could to try to get together an outfit with that floral skirt that actually looks good and not just frumpy... I guess if I wear it with my leather jacket it will decrease the frump factor by a lot. And then, heels or no heels? I guess I could bring other shoes if necessary. Hm!

Anyways, I'm sure the internet doesn't need all my musings on what I'm going to wear tonight. So I'll be off, doing my errands!

Basically, the universe is related to everything ever.

2011-10-01T08:53:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I know I said I was done, but I dunno. I was thinking of things and decided it needed to be blogged about.
First of all, I was thinking about marbling, and how very amazing that looks, pretty much no matter what. I once experimented doing this thing called "water marbling" for your fings (with nail polish I mean) and even though I had pretty much no idea what I was doing and was just messing about with nail polish following some vague internet instructions, every single nail I did looked good. It's because marbling is magic like that.
For example, though these three types of marbling are very different, they are all equally amazing:

And after looking a bunch of different pictures of various types of marbling, I was reminded of a scene in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas when Johnny Depp takes some sort of drug (I can never keep track of when they're doing what in that movie, except the adrenal gland thing) and the carpet he's looking at begins to move and then spread up the walls. Granted, I think the carpet was some sort of paisley thing, but I could so easily see this happening with marbling. In fact, looking at it completely sober I can already make it move a little, so it's not that far of a stretch.
From this I began just thinking of the typical images associated with acid trips. This of course can be quite varied. But generally it's some sort of vibrant, pulsating rainbow and swirly world.

Thinking about these two different things, and swirlyness (which I very much love) and my affinity for these types of images, which really shows in my doodles, and also cause the last stars disappeared from the sky by then, I began thinking about how the universe looks in those magnificently beautiful pictures that there are of it, and how very much all these three completely separate things can really look quite similar. Just look through all these pictures, and then try and tell me that there are no similarities. I mean, I know they're not exactly the same. But I feel like there is some sort of connection.

Point of the story, I spent hours looking at pictures on google of random but very interesting looking things. Yay no sleep.

Here's more of the universe, for your enjoyment.

Whatever you may think about everything else I rambled about in this post, you cannot deny that the universe is an absolutely amazing, beautiful, magical thing, and these pictures are breathtaking. These are the types of things that, if I were to have a work space or office type thing, I would want hanging up surrounding me.

Love, Light, & Flying Woozles

my stummy is grumbly and also I can't sleep.

2011-10-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to tell the story of my yesterday. Because I think it would be vaguely amusing, and also it's 5am and I'm awake and not particularly happy about it, so blogging is the only possible thing to do (obviously) and I did nothing noteworthy yesterday.

In the morning I did very little. Not a great start I know, but it was kinda of icky looking outside and I was sleepy. Anyways, I was watching tv I think, or maybe reading I can't really remember, and my mom called and I got to talk to her a bunch, which was nice. But also shook my already unstable foundations of the whole staying here for a bit longer idea, and now I'm back to complete uncertainty. A couple facts I know for sure: I don't currently have enough money to do all the travelling that I want to do. I don't currently have a passport or any of the necessary things or planning for my travels. If I stay in Pemberton much longer I may suffocate. I really, really want to just be gone, travelling and not have to worry about where I'm going, or how I'm paying for it.
Anyways, while I talked to her it started lighting up a bit, and ended up being one of those nice fall days that are sunny and warm, but slightly brisk. So, because I had been waiting for a nice day and also procrastinating a lot, I decided to go on this hike to a waterfall and lookout that I'd been meaning to do. I ended up not going to the lookout (which was about 45 mins past the waterfall) and instead just having an extremely pleasant, leisurely hike to the waterfall.
It was the perfect day for a hike, as I described earlier. And very beautiful. The was vibrantly green moss everywhere, and old man's beard hanging from all the trees. There was a small amount of red and brown leaves on the ground, but the majority of the area was still green. Still, it was obvious that autumn was there.
There's really nothing like walking through a forest to remind me of how much life there is in the world. To humble me, and raise my spirits up beyond myself. To be alone in that extensive verdant place, making a very physical connection to it (I was highly aware of the feeling of each step of my hiking boots, which I've come to thoroughly appreciate, and was constantly reaching out and touching the trees), becoming, for a short while, a part of it.
And then, when I got to the waterfall I had the probably quite stupid idea to climb down off the path in order to get a better view. Now, I grew up in this area, so I know that it is never a good idea to trust your weight on your feet when going anywhere with moss. That is a recipe for certain disaster, as it will slide right out from under you. And every single step I took down that steep slope, closer to the thundering mist I could see behind the trees infront of me, I was aware of moss's propensity to shifting just when it's crucial to stay still. To allow for some slippage, I was at all times holding onto a tree or branch, something which really should not be relied on. Despite all the leading up to disaster that I've just done, I got down to a spot where I could see the waterfall quite clearly completely safely, and after a couple minutes enjoying the view got to wondering how I would get up again. Looking around, I spotted the trail not 5 feet to the left of where I was standing, just a (precarious) hop skip and jump away. Once I got onto the trail, I realised that it was past the point that I had been, and led to a much better waterfall viewing spot than the one I had gone to all the effort to get to. So again I contemplated the rushing water, and felt the mist coming of it. Speaking of which, I forgot to mention how much more dangerous all that clambering is when everything is covered in a fine dusting of water.
And after having got my fill of the wonder that is a downward racing river, I started down the trail back into town, feeling much more calm and rested than I had in many days.

And after all that peace and magicfullness, I had an absolutely not good night, but I kinda don't want to ruin the idea of this with that. Basically, I wanted to have a calm, antisocial night, but my brother went to the bar with his friend, and then they came back to the house, and another friend of their's came over and they all were drinking, and there is nowhere that I can retreat to there, unless I spent the entire night in the bathroom. So instead I was rude to them (which I felt a little bad for, because they're my friends as well as my brother's, and I was ruder than was really necessary), and spent many hours watching Community on the computer with headphones. Which was excellent. And then I also watched It's Kind of a Funny Story (I had read the book), which was also excellent. And by that time it was about 3am and my brother was passed out in the bathroom, and the two guys were on their way to sleeping. Andddd then the one who had passed out on the floor beside the couch threw up, and I at first tried to ignore it and just sleep and deal with it in the morning, but then the thought of vomit soaking into the carpet all night, and him just lying there, drove me slightly mad so I got up and grabbed some old towels and dealt with it. And then I tried to go back to bed, but instead lay in bed until about 4:30.
I spent today not doing much, just hanging out with those friends and now I'm at one of their houses and we watched a bunch of movies tonight and again were all going to bed around 3. But now I'm just not tired. No, not true. I'm tired, I just can't really fall asleep right away. I think it's because I've been going to bed around 2 or 3 every night. So I'm thinking tonight, since I'm on a couch with no blankets or pillows anyways, I will just not sleep, and then tomorrow night (more like tonight... it's now 6:30) I'll be able to fall asleep at like 8 or something. And everything will be happy again.

And completely off topic: CBC is doing this writing contest thing, and the fiction short story deadline is in a month. I want to enter, but I've written nothing to far, and I have no ideas. There's also a non fiction short story, for which the deadline is in like 3 months or something. I'm considering just doing that and doing some sort of memoir-esque thing, probably something about Alaska in August. For which, dear blog, you will be helpful in reminding me what I was doing and thinking. Thank god for BEDA (not that I really did it well....)

So I guess that's it. I'll keep this open though, just in case I think of something else while I'm just here.
Nope that's it.
Good night, I suppose. Or morning. Or whatever.

Unsatisfaction

2011-09-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

So, I have officially decided that I'm not going to Sweden right away. I know that I've kinda been talking about this for a while, and that postponing it is just so typically me, and that it now seems like it will never happen.. but it will! And I have perfectly good logical reasons.
First of all, I don't have a passport yet, and am waiting to get my birth certificate so I can get my passport. And I don't really have any thing actually figured out with all my travels soo it would be a good idea to wait and have it more planned before I go. And this way I'm garaunteed to make some money before going, instead of relying on potentially being able to get an (under the table, aka illegal) job in Sweden (where I can't speak the language). And finally, my exstepmom, whom I will be staying with, hasn't replied to me in a couple months, so everything was just far too uncertain for me to go.
On the otherhand, I think everything would be better for me personally emotionally if I just went. Too late! I've made up my mind. So now I have to focus on getting a job and properly planning my trip (since I don't have school to distract me, and don't have a computer to constantly be more entertaining.)
Today I bought 3 travel guides for Europe to read up on (as well as a really cute floral skirt, and a kinda weird floral shirt that doesn't go with any of my clothes but I love), so yes, that is my life right now.

Pah.

2011-09-01T01:10:00.000-07:00

Well, it's officially not August any more, cementing the fact that I FAILED at this BEDA. But really, who expected any better? Certainly not me!
Anywho, Vancouver Island was magnificent and beautiful as always, and I have now had about 2 weeks back in Pemby. Tomorrow morning my mom and I are going to the PNE, and then to visit my grandad and help him paint the post office he apparently owns. And after that, I'm going to visit my dad's dad on his island for the weekend. And then I may or may not get my wisdom teeth pulled, depending on if we have the monetary funds or not.
So that's the most basic update in my life that you could possibly get.

It's weird to think that in less than a month, I will be living in a different country. I am so completely unprepared for this, in every possible manner of the word. I am really am a quite useless person.
And also a horrible friend, but that's another thing that I really should not put out into the internet. Maybe someday.
Anywho, being back in Pemberton and knowing that I'm leaving soon, and having everyone I know leaving sometime this week, and then so many other people going back to school... it's just strange. I've learnt that I take some kind of perverse pleasure in being able to say "goodbye forever" to people, even though it isn't forever, just a year. But still. I mean, I don't like that I won't be able to see my friends, but it's kind of nice. I'm excited to start semi-fresh.
But as time comes closer for my departure, I'm getting less and less excited. Mostly because of how very much unplanned the rest of my life is. Turns out, I'm one of those people who likes to have some sort of game plan. I know, I'm just as surprised as you. I guess I'm just not very spontaneous, just indecisive.
And it really, really worries me that if I am unable to get a job right away in Sweden, I'm pretty much screwed.
Not to mention that while in Alaska I learnt that I can't spend vast amounts of time by myself, because I start viciously hating myself. Which makes the whole travelling-by-myself thing a bit complicated.
Yeah, I spend more and more time thinking about how very much I dislike myself, which really is just not good. I'm hoping, in some way, that by escaping my life here I'll also escape myself a little, transform into a new person. I know that's a little ridiculous - like when I thought that somehow going to highschool instead of elementary would transform me instantly from a friendless, awkward dweeb into someone cool. I mean, I did become friendful, and less awkward and dweeby, but certainly not just overnight magically. Heck, even in this year I've changed so much. I can't decide if I like how I've changed though.
Everything is just permeated with this deep-seated feeling of unsatisfaction with myself and my life and everything around me.

Anyways, I should probably go to sleep. At least when I'm sleeping I don't have these feelings and worries and terrible things crowding my mind.

Oh, and Leif found my blackberry memory card, so I have my music again, which is soo nice. Going from not ever listening to music to having over 2000 songs at hand is a bit crazy, and wonderful. Similar to going from living out of my backpack, with the same 5 shirts, to having my entire closet to choose from.
So, yes, sleep time now. Nighty night! LL&FW!

BWICA?

2011-08-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

Welp, it's BEDA again, however it's very unlikely that I'll be able to participate - I'm going to Tofino for a week, and then to Nanaimo, where it's unlikely that I'll have access to any internet. So it'll be more Blog Whenever I Can in August than Blog Every Day in August.

I just got back from Alaska, and have a couple days to do with what I will before I'm off to Tofino. Right now I'm staying at Ben's place in the city, hanging out and schtuff.

I had a lot more to say when I opened up this page, but now I can't remember. I may just copy past what I wrote to my friend last night while I was waiting at the airport for my flight (a red-eye, leaving Anchorage at 1am. I have slept a total of half an hour. I shall probably pass out early tonight.)
I really need to shower, I can feel the smell of dirt and sweat on me. I guess Ben is gone for a little bit, I might as well. Then I will be nice and fresh, and probably more awake.
Late today we're going to see Harry Potter. About time! Every single time I've tried to see it in Alaska it hasn't worked out for me, so I'm pretty stoked about it now. I was actually kinda upset that I missed the midnight release. I would have absolutely loved to have gone, and it's the last one there will ever be. But alas, it was not to be. Instead I'm watching it now, 3 weeks after it came out, in the afternoon instead of midnight.

Oh, and I have started reading the Song of Ice and Fire series, by George RR Martin. I finished the 4th book yesterday, and the 5th just came out recently. I hope the next ones in the series don't take long to come out!

Anyways, here is my ramblings from last night:

Okay, I decided since you abandoned me I'd just rant in message form for you to enjoy tomorrow

An older man sat down directly in front of me, and every time I glance up he's looking in my direction. The baby is making cute gurgling sounds. Sleepy man is massaging his head. Also turns out he has some sort of douchey tattoo on his left forearm.
The man across from me is wearing tiny glasses.
There's a girl sitting on the edge of the bench with the last harry potter book open in front of her, but she's not reading.
Speaking of which, I've somehow managed to always miss seeing harry potter. Its like I'm cursed.
The woman with the baby just stood up and left. I think she was catching an earlier flight.
A new man sat down in her spot. He has a skateboard and sweat pants, black toque (called a "beanie" here in the states), lip piercing scruffy goatee ish beard. More beardy than the sleepy man. We shall dub him skater for future reference.
The harry potter girl has a sister who just came back with juice for them both.
Skater just got up and left.
The man sitting beside me every now and then spouts random profanity and threats that I think it directed to another man standing by the side of the waiting room.
Sleepy man is resting his head on his fist and looking ponderous. He just checked the time.
The sisters are gossiping about something. One of them is telling a story, and all I heard of it was "and she was like, yeah but"Just had a minor heart attack when I checked the time on my phone and it said 1:20, and my plane leaves at 1. Then I realised my phone is on BC time. Jaysusss I was scared!
Anywho, the plane is boarding now. I may still have internet on the plane to update you on my companions, but we shall see.
So there's incredibly beautiful red haired woman standing near me in line. I know what you're thinking: "silly nyckeija, you must be just looking at your reflection". I assure you not. She is stunning. And elegant.
Anyways, to make the night more interesting, an "nick riddington" was called and I went to check if it was me, and it was. There was a family whose seats were seperated, so I switched so the 5 year old wouldn't be away from her mom. And now I get a middle seat. Not aisle, not window. Middle. The very worst.
Anywho, that's it for now.

So I'm in seattle now, an hour before my next flight starts boarding. I ended up sitting between a very nice elderly lady, and a slightly smelly (bo) redneck. However, after about 15 mins the supposed redneck pulled out a large mac laptop and put in a disk. A movie started playing, and about 5 mins into it he offered me one of the earbuds. So I spent a large potion of the flight watching Air America (I think that's what it was called), a movie that I'm sure austin and andrew have watched and enjoyed. To be honest, I spent most of it trying to hide my drool over the young robert downey jr. Oh man I would do anything for that man. And also pants in the 80s showed of a man's ass so much better than the pants guys wear now.
So anyways, when the movie ended I closed my eyes but failed to sleep until we got near the airport.
From above the city was beautiful. There was a very pale blue sky above the clouds, that pre-dawn kind of blue, and the mountains had a red shroud. The land was all in blackness, except where there were houses and streets. The streets looked like molten gold flowing across the land, and the houses like stars.

So now I'm in seattle and it is past dawn and I have a mild stomach ache and couldn't find the book I wanted in borders. And also the man who was sitting by me before (the one who yelled loudly) and his companions appear to also be going to vancouver. That, or portland, as the gates are right next to each other. Those are the only people I recognize from anchorage.
So now you've been updated in my travels
There's no one sitting near me now, otherwise I would tell you alllll about them hahah
I am surprisingly not tired. But I know that I need to stay awake for the rest of the day and socialise with ben, and later tiarra and the thought of that makes me tired.
So I will try to sleep on this flight and get something caffeinated as soon as I'm in vancouver.

Musings...

2011-07-18T15:49:00.000-07:00

The amount of self-hatred I have for myself is really quite astonishing. Really, I don't think there is anyone in the world who thinks as badly of myself as I do.
For that matter, I don't think there's really anyone who thinks badly of me. As far as I can tell, all my acquaintances feel nothing but good-will towards me, indifference at worst. I have no false friends, and no enemies of any kind. There is no one that would purposely wish me harm, to my knowledge. And I know this isn't just my biased opinion; other people have noted that everyone likes me.
So maybe my self-hatred is to compensate. I don't know. But it seems to me that the more time I spend with myself, the more my hatred, and pity, for myself grows. Though I am able to admit that I do have good qualities, and overall am I a good person, I can find so much more in myself to hate, or doubt. The majority of my blogs show this - they are all either complaining of something stupid, or something of myself. Or filled with self-pity, or something like that. It's impossible for me, when talking to people, to do anything but down-play my good traits and admit in full to my bad ones. I'm not sure if I've ever fully believed a compliment someone has given me, and I so often don't understand how my friends put up with me. I'm certain that if I met myself, I would hate myself. When I meet new people, I'm so quiet and reserved that they really only can think good of me. I find that the more often I open my mouth, the more likely I am to make a fool of myself.

Yet at the same time I have a sort of superiority complex, constantly thinking myself better than others. More clever, prettier, just generally better. I place myself higher than most people in the ranks of just general people-ness, yet I hate myself and just about everything I am.
But I don't, too. I would never want to be anyone other than I am.
It's all very confusing and conflicting.
It's especially weird, because I have so much more confidence than I did, say, two years ago. But I feel like my hatred for myself has grown so much more that my confidence is useless. (naught, nil, nary... what's that word?). I am so much more able to do things, but I thought I'd feel better about myself when I reached that level of confidence. Two years ago I looked forwards to the future, hoping that my confidence would grow, and it did. But it doesn't feel better than I did then.
And my weird fears and inhibitions slow me down so much. Mom knew they would when I was just 11 and they were first showing themselves. She tried to force me to overcome them, but that worked just as well as it did for the dark (ie, not at all). Now it has become such a hindrance. And it has grown. And it's not even really a fear. I don't know what it is. An inability. A disability. I don't know.

Anyways, now that I have vented my musings on the nature of my self-hatred onto this blog, like I have so many times before but in different words.... I guess I'll probably just continue to sit here and let it stew, let another day go by wasted. Distract all my emotions, or lack thereof, in the stories and emotions and wonder of a world I could never conceive. A book, of the type I could never write...

Oh yeah, a week ago I vowed to stop telling myself I am unable to do things, in an attempt to make me more able to do things. It hasn't worked.

Welcome to Bear-land

2011-07-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

ohai :)
Long time no blog, I know. But guess what? I'm in Alaska now.
And also those two sentences had nothing to do with each other.
So as I was walking home recently I planned out pretty much this entire blog post, what I wanted to say and all that, but I got home and turned on the computer and got distracted and forgot, and just now remembered that I was going to blog, but I'm not sure what about.
So no different from usual, I suppose.

Pardon me while I go put on the kettle for tea and clean up the mess from toast. I shall return!

Back, and with delicious tea :)

Okay, well I suppose I could explain why I'm in Alaska. This is where my father is currently living, working as a helicopter pilot, and it may end up being his permanent residence. Right now he is living in Girdwood, so this is where I'm staying. The original plan was to be here for about a month and get job, and explore Alaska. But now it's looking more like the get-a-job part will not be happening so much, and the explore-Alaska part will be a much larger part of this month. I'm pretty excited; it's absolutely beautiful here, and there is so much to explore.
The first day that I was here Dad had to spend the day at this lodge, the name of which I can't remember, and so I went with him and got to spend the day lazing around at this beautiful lodge you can only get to by plane, that primarily only very wealthy people go to. I didn't really do too much there, mostly just sat around, but I got to talk to pretty much all the staff and met some very awesome people. I also very briefly met that lady who is the wife on According to Jim. And it was just generally good times.
Since then I've just been hanging out in Girdwood, getting to know the town and applying for jobs that I'm %95 certain I won't be getting. The past couple hours I was planning on researching more things to do in the general area, but I think I'll do that tomorrow.
It's raining right now, for the first time since I got here. Also, I burnt my nose hiking today. Oh yeah, I hiked up Alyeska Mt, and when I got to the top realised that every other person there were tourists who took the tram and I felt simultaneously lame and cool. And now I have huge blisters on my heels that are very painful because I was wearing new hiking boots, and my legs are a little sore, and my back is very sore. Because I stupidly used a backpack that has absolutely no support.

I had a lot of other thoughts for this blog, but they're still gone from my memory.
Oh, I watched the Game of Thrones series, which was amazing, and am now reading the books, unfortunately all I have is a PDF file of them, so once I leave Alaska I'll have to find a better copy (I don't think Dad would like me taking his laptop).
And yesterday/today I caught up on about a month's worth of youtube subscriptions. That's a lot of youtube!
Anywho, I shall now leave this blog. I hope to update a bit more regularly, because i want to be able to know what I was doing when I look back!
Oh, and I should probably make dinner...

welcome to the real world

2011-06-27T12:41:00.000-07:00

Saturday I graduated from highschool.

Everything that I am used to, that I know in life, is now going to be thrown up in the air, or severely tested.
There's so much more that I could say, but it's not all that different from the fears and worries that I've written about so often before.

A bunch of my family came up for my grad, and it was really nice to see them all. And Kathryn and Kyle came up, along with Tanya and Kyla. And Tanis is home.
It was a generally good weekend.

But I'm so afraid.

2011-06-05T23:17:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been over a full month since I last blogged. I guess it's the low after the BEDA high.
Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of times when I wanted to blog, or had something to blog about. I just either forgot or never got around to it or decided to sleep instead.
Not to mention the fact that this past month has been ridiculously busy, and by the looks of it this one is not going to let me calm down at all.

In the past month there has been: grad camping, prom, a dragon boat race, friends visiting, the play, and lots of work and school and me avoiding both. And I've had plenty of thoughts about all these things.
First, there was grad camping. On May Long weekend, the grads and also lots of other people go out to Strawberry Point for a two day drinking binge. It was one of the first sunny weekends in a long time, and despite the fact that it was bracketed by work, it was good times. I don't remember as much of those good times I would wish to, however it was still quite fun.
Last weekend was prom. It was about 6 hours of getting ready, 2 hours of pictures, and 2 hours of dinner and dancing. I personally danced for only about 5 minutes. Then, there was after-Prom, which this year was at Koo-jam's, just outside of the rez. before after prom however, we first went back to my house to get out of our fancy-clothes and grab whatever necessities. Oh and by the by, I took my good friends Greer and Bronwyn to prom, and they were magnificent guests. So that was last weekend. Oh, and the morning after prom I had to wake up at 7 to go to a dragon boat pre-alcan race in the city, after having gone to bed around 4 or 5. So that was good times. I also finalllllly got a new bathing suit, which both provides support and looks cute, quite a feat.
The whole week before Prom was taken up by the play that my Theatre 12 class was putting on, Give My Regards to Broadway, which turned out SO MUCH better than I anticipated. On opening night (the wednesday), I was freaking out on my way to the school, remembering how rehearsal had been going and trying to imagine a scenario in which we did not epicly fail on stage. I was in no way worried about myself, but I was terrified that everyone else would mess up and therefore embarrass everyone. But when it started, I was so astounded by how well everything went, how much it was like a real play. I mean, I could see all sorts of faults in it, but that's just because I'd seen the play so many thousands of times. So yeah, we did that wednesday, thursday and friday nights, and thursday during the school day for the students, and every time it was just so much better than expected.
And when big events like these haven't been going on, there's been general school and life and work and hanging out with people.

sob the end

2011-04-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Tonight two friends of mine are sleeping over, and we have no plans for the night. And I am super duper tired, but will man it out for the sake of friendship and good times.
Even though I have dragon boat at gross o'clock tomorrow morning, and agreed to take someone's shift tomorrow.
Basically, by the end of tomorrow I will be dead. But that's okay.

Last night I spent over 5 hours just talking with one of my friends as our other friends slept. Twas good, and I think more semi one-on-one conversation than I've ever had with him.
We decided to have a no-sleep contest, starting this thursday. See who can stay awake the longest. I think I have it the worst, because I have various classes in which I will be likely to doze, and also I'll have to be alert at work, and dragon boat, whereas the two friends I planned this with have an open weekend. Well, one of them also has dragon boat, but he has nothing else the whole time.
I may die. I may also pass out after and sleep for weeks. We shall see.
Though by the time that happens, it will be no longer BEDA.

That's right. Tonight is the last night of BEDA. This was about on par with the past couple BEDA's; I didn't manage to blog every day, however I did blog almost every day. I think I only missed 3 or 4, which is better than some previous times.

I want to continue to blog regularly, because I like spouting my thoughts. It's a good way to organise them. So I will do my best to continue updating the internet in my life doings and thought thinkings, though I really doubt I'll manage more than once weekly. However, I will attempt to keep it fairly regular, at least.

I think that is all for now. I am very tired and hungry and my feet hurt. So I shall sit, and eat. But not fix the tiredness, because of having to (wanting to) be social and also a good host for my friends. As much as they like my brother, I'm sure they'd not be to happy if they had to hang out with him because I was asleep.

Ta Ta, dear blog readers!

Just Thoughts

2011-04-29T20:32:00.000-07:00

If everybody believes something to be true, does that make it true?
If the world as we know it is just a collective delusion, does that make it less 'real' than what would actually be real?
Reality is only what we make it. My reality is already different from any one else's. It's all just how we perceive it, and who's to say we aren't all perceiving it different, from how it really is and from each other?

I just don't even know.

2011-04-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't done very much creative writing since my Creative Writing class ended, so I decided that for this blog post I shall just google a writing prompt, and do some creative writing. Enjoy!
Okay, I couldn't find one on the internet that I thought was satisfactory, so here's one from a friend:

My body is different. I didn't know it was different until the third grade, when it became regular to change in front of my peers, rather than in a single bathroom stall. Nobody had told me that my body was different until then. Clothed, I looked the same as everyone else. After the first couple times changing in a group, people began to talk. Very quickly after that first time changing, the entirety of my grade new about the difference in my body, and the rumours spread, growing more ridiculous and exaggerated. Soon, I was completely ostracized. No one would touch me, or even go near me, for fear of getting "Christina cooties". When I walked into a room someone would yell "Christina!" and everyone would jump on a chair, because apparently touching the same ground as me would contaminate you. If someone accidentally touched me, they too were ignored for the day. The teachers, despite all their preaching about acceptance, did nothing to stop this, and in face perpetuated it. Even my Grammar teacher once jumped onto her chair when I walked into the room.
It was awful. For seven years, I was the kid that no one would touch, or talk to. For no fault of my own. I couldn't help the way that I was. I was born that way, and any one of them could have been the same. But by some freak (emphasis on the freak), it was me who was born without vestigial wings on my back, and therefore me who had a childhood devoid of any positive emotion.

dead arms

2011-04-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

So it was actually only just now that I realised I didn't blog yesterday. But I was busy! I worked after school, and then when I got home there was the hockey game (Canucks won! They move into the playoffs proper! Not that I actually care all that much, terrible Canadian that I am), and then my brother hadn't seen either the Christmas episode or the latest of Doctor Who, so of course I had to watch those with him. And then it was like 12 and time for bed.

My arms right now are so dead. They are like weights, and doing anything with them is an immense effort. But I guess that's just the small price I have to pay to get strong dragon boat muscles.
And I know I say this all the time, but I need to actually start running. I'm going to wake up at 6 tomorrow morning, and go for a run. I have to do it, because I need to be healthy and get in the habit of running and being healthy when I'm young. And dragon boat only works out the top half of my body, so I need something for my legs, and also core.

And also yesterday I was feeling very lost and confused and distant, but that's mostly gone away now, and I can't even put it into words properly, so no point talking about it I suppose.

I don't think I can type much longer, my arms are dead, so that's it for today.
LL&FW

2011-04-25T23:33:00.000-07:00

sleepy tron.

my friend bronwyn whom I never see ever is currently over and it's time for us to cuddle ourselves to sleep. and I have nothing interesting to say. I mean, I guess I could recount my yesterday and today, but I don't particularly feel like it. so I shall not. and shall instead do the minimum to get ready for bed, and sleep. yesss sleeeeeepp even though I don't feel like I'll be able to actually get to sleep right away.
Oh man last night I had a terrible sleep. It was on this futon things, and I was constantly too cold, and now my back is all sore.
so anyways, that is all for now.

2011-04-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter! I wish you a day of chocolate and big dinners and celebrating the fact that tomorrow Christ is returning. Or something like that, I can't really remember how Easter goes. Christmas is the only Christian holiday that I know for sure what it's about.

I had dragon boat this morning and half way through practice decided to switch to the left side for some stupid reason. First time ever paddling dragon boat on the left. It was brutal. Now both my arms are equally sore, instead of different parts of each arm being sore. It's so difficult to rotate the opposite direction that you're used to. It just requires so much more thought-work. Every single motion I have to do opposite from how I've done it for the past two years. Not that easy. Luckily, a bunch of other people were paddling on the opposite side from usual, so I wasn't the only one struggling.

Now I've had a shower, and feel all fresh and clean and wonderful, and I put on a pretty spring dress. Nevermind that I wore it earlier this week, and also that it's probably going to rain today. And that it's kinda short for a family gathering. Just shush. This dress is like the epitome of spring, so I'm going to wear it. Also, it looks super cute, and with a belt accentuates me in all the right places. Yay pretty clothes!

Last night I had to say goodbye to Tanis, because she's going to Europe on Tuesday, and I'm in the city until then. So I won't see her till she gets back, around grad. And then I'm off to Alaska. So basically I had to say goodbye for like 4 months.
I mean, it's not like we haven't been away from each other that long or something. The past couple of years, I only really see her during her university breaks, so this will be like that. But normally I spend the majority of my time during the spring and summer with her, so twill be strange.
Also, I just googled "words like twas" and EVERY SINGLE RESULT had to do with either Christmas or Twas The Night Before Christmas. Which is strange. I wanted information on words like twas (for example my usage of 'twill", which in reality means a woven type of material but in my mind means it will), and instead I get a bunch of unrelated Christmasy stuff. Except for one quite excellent post. So yeah, that's what's up with that.

Anddd then Nyckeija wasted 45 minutes just reading that blog. So many interesting random facts, especially about etymology! Yay etymology!

Okay, I think that's good for today.
Sometime in the very near future my father and I are driving to the city for a family dinner, and I am excited to see all my little cousins! :D
I think the reason I love my little cousins so much is purely because before they existed, I was the little one. I only had big cousins. So with them I get to be the big cousin, and I get to play with them and talk about how adorable they are.

My toes are cold. That is all.

2011-04-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

I love spring, and I also love having a social life, which is why this will be a super duper lame post today.
and sorry about yesterday, I literally spent the entire day in front of the tv so I have no excuse except that I forgot. I let my mind get taken over by nothingness.

Argghh I really want to watch the latest dr who, because the new season started at 5 today, but if I don't have time for a real blog I certainly don't have time to watch a 45 minute (or possibly longer) show.

tomorrow, after dragon boat, I'm catching the bus into the city for a family dinner, and then I think on monday I'm going shopping. or at least, that's what I want to do. we'll see!

that's it for now, folks. I apologize for the suckiness.

moneaaahhh. which was actually the first ever Pink Floyd song that I knew, and knew was Pink Floyd. So that's a random tidbit from Nyckeija's memory vaults.

2011-04-21T23:35:00.000-07:00

So last night I went over to chez Aiton, and spent the night. Tanis and I spent a couple hours in the hot tub telling each other updates about the past couple months of our lives. It's funny, because whenever we hang out after not having seen each other for awhile, we don't really tell stories right away but once we get going it's hard to stop hah. And this time I had quite a lot more stories than I normally do, mostly because of Mexico. Tanis, of course, had more. But that's university life in a city vs. high school life in a what is technically a "village" for you. So yes, that was nice. And then we watched a movie and went to bed, of course talking more in bed before falling asleep.
We were supposed to hang out today as well, but I got home from work, and had a late dinner, and am now feeling super lazy and also it's sorta late, so I guess we're not.
BUT it's easter weekend, so I have no school or obligations of any sort tomorrow (which is why it would be nice to party tonight, but whatever..), so plenty of adventure time.

bleh. I've been listening to Gogol Bordello a lot recently, and I was on their website today, and found out that they were supposed to be playing at the Telus Fest in Whistler on saturday, but the show was cancelled. So, right when I start getting into this band I learn that the closest they're ever going to come to me, and for free, was cancelled. Argh, I hatttte it.
Also, there's a SOAD show in may in Vancouver that I really want to go to, but I don't have the money for the show or the getting there, and also can't take the time off of school and work. I hate how very stuck here I am because of all those things.

On a different note, I now have $3000 for my Sweden fund. That's enough for the ticket there, at least. And in the next 3 months I can make up to... $1800 in the next three months. That's a very average number, because I don't know how many days I'll have to take off of work, and how many extra days I'll take on, and also basic math. But yeah. So that's nearly $5000 by the time summer comes, and hopefully I'll make another like.. $2000 or so in Alaska. And if I don't spend any money whatsoever during the summer (which will probably not happen, considering I'm going to be not at home for a good portion of it...), then I will have a hefty chunk of money for Sweden. Plus whatever money my father is giving me, as a (very) late Christmas present.
So obviously I won't have enough to fund the entirety of my trip, but I will have enough to get me there, and if I don't spent much while I'm in Sweden AND get some sort of job while there, I'll be able to travel verrrrry cheaply through Europe. Even though "traveling cheaply through Europe" seems like a bit of an oxymoron.
And I'm hoping that if I start to loose funds while there I can either: Spend whatever I have left to get back to Canada, or, get a job somewhere. Doing something. I just don't even know hah. My plans are sooo very vague! I hate it. But I honestly have no idea, so I don't know how to plan it. I don't even know how long I'm going to travel Europe for before I come home. Like, Febuaryish till Mayish? Maybe? What an icky time of year to travel.
And then back to Canada to work A LOT so that I can make enough money to travel South America for like 10 months with Kathryn and whoever.
Oh man my plans are so very unplanned and vague. And I really should at some point create a massive check list of things I need to do before all of that.

And this is what is currently stressing me out. And also the thought of university in 2 years, and how that's going to work.
But at least I have my fall-back plan (for the SA travelling anyways) of doing Katimavik and working.

Bleh bleh triple bleh.

On the plus side, today I finally got a new debit card and was therefore able to pay my phone bill. Which was 2 months late. Yayy dealing with things.

Anyways, I'm going to watch a movie or something. I wish I had a laptop so I could watch Firefly in bed. :(
LL&FW

P.S.
Shit. I just realised for my travel plans I can't get something quite as simple as a visa. I have to get a residence permit, because I'll be there for more than 3 months. And it might be a good idea to get a work permit too. Argh, so frustrating! Especially since I have absolutely no idea how to do this. I guess I'll get a real person to help me when it's not super late and stuff.

stuff, and other stuff, and then some stuff.

2011-04-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason, recently I have been missing all the people I met in Nanaimo so much more than before. I mean, when I first left I was missing them all the time, and then it sort of faded. And now it has come back so strongly.
And in the past week I've been talking to a bunch of people from there, and ahh I just wish I could teleport or something so I could like hang out there after school and on weekends, all my free time. I would probably get even less stuff done if that was possible, but whatever.
And everyone there appreciates me so much. Like, talking about how awesome I am. Only my good friends say stuff like that to me here, not my acquaintances. Even my good friends don't always think I'm awesome. I'm pretty sure there are plenty of times when they think I'm strange, or annoying.
Which is why I have this small fear of going back to Nanaimo. I'm afraid that the people there will have this illusion of who I am, and if I go back and visit they'll realise how very uncool I am. Which I know is kinda silly, because they've been exposed to more of who I am via facebook, and also they don't seem like the type to judge on coolness. But I feel like I will be much to lame for them.

Anywho, this is currently my plan for after graduation:
almost right away go to Alaska with my dad.
come back to Canada around the 23rd or so.
go to the island, either Nanaimo or Victoria.
hang out there for a couple weeks.
meet up with the Reads in Tofino, whenever they're going.
go back to Pemby with the Reads, and stay there for a couple weeks, getting ready to leave.
this should get me to the beginning of september, which is really up in the air at the moment. but I'm thinking leave for europe around the 25th.
go to england, stay in london for about a week, and then take a series of trains to sweden.
sweden for 5 or 6 months.
andddd then I don't know. the current, very vague, plan is "travel europe", but I don't know where, or for how long, or with whom. It is a possibility that my mom and brother might join me there to travel. it's also possible that during my 6 months I'll meet someone who will be willing to travel with me. or someone from BC could. or I could go alone. But that's much more scary... In any case, I need to have that at least a bit more planned before I leave. determine if my family will join me there or not, and if not, plan a general itinerary for travelling by myself, and then hope to convince someone to join me. because a single, 18 year old, rather innocent and gullible, girl travelling europe by herself? doesn't sound to safe. of course, I could to hope to meet people while travelling, but I can't depend upon that.

In any case, it is now time for me to leave the internet and go visit my good friend Tanis, who is home from university for one week and one week only before she leaves for europe. And I shall get to hot tub :D

LL&FW

2011-04-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, in all seriousness now, I actually really wanted to blog today but than just completely forgot. There's been tons of things whizzing around my brain recently, and often the only way to pin those sorts of thoughts down are to write about them.
However, I forced myself out of bed when I realised I hadn't blogged today and it was still before 12, so now I just reaaaallly want to sleep.
Sorry world.
Also, sorry for not blogging yesterday, I was with my mom all evening so I just forgot. Man I really need to stop forgetting stuff so often.
Anyways, I'm going to wrap my poncho a little bit tighter around me and crawl back into bed.
Tomorrow the plan is:
-School. If at any point I have open time in a computer lab, I shall blog.
-Dragon boat. blehh.
-Home for shower (maybe)
-Tanis's for hang out time. and perhaps hot tub (thus negating the earlier need for shower).

Hopppeeefully at some point during that time I will have at least 10 minutes to blog!

I should get something on my phone so I could mobile-blog. Except the posts would probably be significantly smaller if I was typing them out on my phone rather than a real keyboard.

I fail at BEDA

2011-04-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

AHHHH 7 minutes before this post is late AHH!

Here's 7 minutes of what I wrote at work today:

There are some experiences in life that can unalteringly affect you. In fact, all experiences in life affect and change you, but some of them do in a much more major way.
So far, I have had nothing affect me in that way. But there are things that I can definitely pinpoint as having more of an affect on me than just the average day.
Most recently, Mexico. Before that, Nanaimo. The summer of 2010. RYLA. My motor home trip with Ian, Mom and Daws (summer of 2009?). OALP. The Raabis family. Moving into town.
It seems that as I venture further to the past these things become broader. I guess this is because as a child your personality is only just starting to form, so everything affects it. Which is why I stopped where I did. I moved into town when I was 12, the spring of 2006. 5 years ago. And that's really when I started to become an independent person.
That was the year Leif lived in the city, and Annie had been gone for a year already. I was alone with Dad, or with Mom and Ian. Usually when I was in Birkin it was just me, or me and Daws. I had basically no friends. I spent a lot of time alone that year. But then in the spring I moved into town, and I had freedom like I'd never had before. And then, I don't remember exactly how, I befriended the Raabises. And suddenly they were more like my family than my real family was. This also marked a decline in my visits to mom. The Raabis family was, in a way, my first step out of the lonely world of books, out of childhood, and into my own personality.

2011-04-17T21:46:00.001-07:00

I really don't want to blog today. Today is a day of unfulfilled obligations and bad decisions, and this blog is going to be another one of them. because this is just about the extent of what I'm going to blog.
so there.

My computer is being hideously slow, and won't even load the main typing thing for this blog, so a blog title will have to suffice for the moment. I love scifi, and I shall explain in greater detail when I have access to a less sucky computer, or this one's suckiness levels decrease. that is all.

2011-04-16T20:47:00.001-07:00

glue in my intestines.

2011-04-15T23:09:00.000-07:00

So I was taking another test thing, this one measuring your "number gut", your gut feelings about number sense. so basically, it will flash a a bunch of blue and yellow dots for 0.2 second, and you have to decide if there were more blue or yellow dots. And apparently, my sense is good, because I have a score of 94%, whereas the average person is 90%. And I scored better than about 70% of the people who have taken the test. And on top of that, I responded (on average) in 0.42 seconds, whereas the average person takes about 1 second. So that made me proud.
Also, my computer seems to be conspiring against me, and nothing is loading properly. I'm almost getting into so-angry-with-it-I-just-turn-it-off mode, but I have so much computery stuff I wanted to do tonight!

Also, I spent probably like 5 hours today downloading (primarily Disney) music and organizing my itunes, which something I get an immense satisfaction out of. Especially since no matter how long I spend organizing it there always seems to be more to do later when I'm bored.
Now, unfortunately, I have 18.52 GB of music on my computer, and 3.8 GB of space on my ipod. I hate having to choose what to put! It's awful. So I kinda just go through stages, and change the music that's on my ipod all the time. Blehhh. So I guess now it's going to be mostly Disney music on my ipod :D

So yes, that is all for tonight.
Oh, and I just made bannock for the first ever time on the stove. I've only ever made it over the campfire before. And also I haven't even done that since I was a little kid. So that was exciting. Except when I remembered I use just about the exact same ingredients to make glue for papier mache. Unpleeaasant.

Content: appeased, at ease, can't complain, comfortable, complacent, contented, fat dumb and happy, fulfilled, gratified, pleased as punch, satisfied, smug, tickled pink, willing

2011-04-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

I am content. Completely content. This is a thought that passed through my mind as I was walking home after our open-audience dress rehearsal after school today. I don't know why, but it did, and I was. I am.
I still feel all the swirling emotions swirl inside of me, but the negative ones don't seem to be having an effect. Well, they don't really normally. It's more like the confusion about everything that I normally feel has momentarily been lifted.

On a slightly different note, I had forgotten how great it feels to be on stage. We only did two shows, and only one of them was perfect, but oh man how great it felt. Afterwards it was like, well I'm glad that's finally over, but I wish we were doing more shows.
It's weird though, I don't think our Give My Regards to Broadway is anywhere near that stage, and we've had hours more rehearsal, not to mention voice lessons and choreography, than we have ever had for an after-school play. I would not feel comfortable on stage as Milly right now, despite the fact that I have everything down (well, except the accent and one or two dance moves), whereas I've felt comfortable as Two for ages. I only ever had 2 rehearsals for The Office, and yet it so much more... capable. To be fair, it is also just a one act, with only 3 actors, only 2 of whom have speaking roles, and with no exits or entrances, and definitely no song and dance numbers. Completely different in all ways from our Theatre class play. Still, it's just much superior in terms of my comfortableness with it.
And of course, today was a singing day, with Anita Burleson, and I hate these days. Mostly just because I feel like I can't sing the majority of what we have to sing, and every single singing day I feel like I'm the verge of tears the entire class. I don't know what people would do if I started crying in class, that's totally not like me. I don't really react emotionally to things.

Oh, interesting thing. In English because I was (mostly) finished my work, I went on this site www.testmybrain.org and did one of the tests, which included a personality test. And it said that I am extroverted, open, not very conscientious, and slightly anxious. Which is strange because every single personality test I've ever taken has labeled me as introverted. And I would never consider myself anxious. However, everything else seemed to be spot on. It also said I recognize faces at a level of 80%, which was much higher than average, and I recognize emotion in people's eyes at a level of 84%, which again was higher than average. So that's interesting. I know from AG that I recognize people quite easily, but never thought I was that good at reading emotion in the eyes. Apparently so.
Also, I just watched two episodes of Buffy, and oh my god I want to slap some of these characters. And it's very interesting how they use the supernatural as an almost metaphor for stuff.
So yes, that's that. I think it's bed time now, or at least SciFi-reading-in-bed time.
LL&FW

Jokes for Nerds

2011-04-13T23:20:00.000-07:00

Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?

What did 3.1 say to Pi? Be rational!

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he is a FUN-gi!

The name's bond.
Ionic bond.
Taken, not shared.

If these couple examples (not in this video) amused you, you should watch this.

Laoyam means Fast, except not yet because there are so many deadweight grade eights.

2011-04-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

Oh dragon boat. How very much I did and did not miss you.
Although this first practice was not as awful as I was expecting. But just.. the effort of it, and how weak and useless I feel. Especially since last night I had a dream where I was somehow assured a spot on the Eagles, and that I was a fantastic paddler. And then I go to practice, and realise just how bad I am. I mean, I know it's only the first practice of the season, and I haven't exercised at all since last season, but still. Those are just excuses, I know it. I should be better than I am just automatically, if I was a good paddler.
Luckily I wore the perfect amount of layers today, so I wasn't really bothered by either the cold or by being too warm. Except my right hand of course, but what can you expect when it's continually dipping into freezing and/or frozen water. Thank god for Joanna and her newly acquired N. So I did not have to walk home in the rain, soaking wet and shivering.
In other news, tomorrow is my play. I'm not really that nervous, because Winona and I have it down pretty good, but still. I know once it gets closer to the time, I will be nervous. Mostly I'm nervous about the pencil part, really. Because I always feel awkward and sorta lose character when I have to stick pencils in my ears and up my nose. And also, that one line that Winona and I alternate, I want that to sound better than it does. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm more nervous about the set-up. We have about 10 minutes to make sure everything's in place beforehand, and then like 1 minute to get everything on stage in between our play and the next. And it's always been such a scramble to get everything together, I'm worried that we won't be able to. But I suppose, so long as we have pencils it doesn't matter. Or even without pencils. We could just make funny faces or some such thing.
In another completely unrelated note, the grade eights that I peer-tutor have been on my mind a lot recently, but not in any specific way that I would be able to write about. It's just like.. everything that happens I somehow am able to reference back to them. I guess this is just yet another experience that has changed me in some way, and because it is recent (as in, still on-going) I reference it often, whereas Mexico, which is also recent but not in comparison, though it did change me in an almost larger way, is referenced less and less often in my mind. Obviously it is still often, as it was the first example of something that changed me that came to mind.
So yes, that is all that I want to talk about at the moment.
Oh, except that this entire season of Buffy is terrible, not in that it's bad but in that it makes me feel bad. It's very well done, but the ratio of happiness to unhappiness is like 1:17. And that is not a good ratio.
That is all, I suppose. Until tomorrow, love light & flying woozles.

give me something worth singing about

2011-04-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

Man I am awful at this.
I actually did not remember in the slightest that I was supposed to blog yesterday. It wasn't until I was walking to school this morning that I remembered that I hadn't, and felt awful for it. So sorry, it wasn't just me being lazy, I seriously forgot completely about even the existence of a blog in which I was supposed to write.

On a semi-unrelated note, I watched a couple more episodes of Buffy last night, including one that I have literally been looking forwards to since I first started watching the show. That's right (I mean, that's right if you actually guessed, and guessed correctly...), I watched Once More With Feeling. The only musical episode of the entirety of Buffy. And it was magnificent. So much was revealed that had been building up, and it was like a release. Catharsis, I suppose. And all the songs were extremely well done. When I read later that those songs were the first music Joss Whedon had ever written... well, it's no wonder he is pretty much the best. I mean, think about it. Buffy (and Angel, but I haven't yet started it). Firefly and Serenity. Dr Horrible. That one episode of Glee that had NPH. WHAAT I just found out he also wrote Atlantis. Like, the cartoon. And more recently, Dollhouse, which I have not seen but I've heard it's really good, and I want to start watching it, but I'm part way through so many different TV shows, I don't want to add yet another.
Bwaahhtt Leonard Nemoy is also in Atlantis. Seriously, imdb of Atlantis is informing me of so many things I never knew. AND the guy who made up the Atlantean language is also the person who made up the Vulcan and Klingon languages, and I've heard of people actually learning those so he obviously knows what he's doing. "Because the movie was planned out as an action/adventure, the production crew wore T-shirts to work that read "ATLANTIS - Fewer songs, more explosions"."
I feel like I really need to rewatch that movie now. But I will not. Instead, I'll watch the next episode of Buffy, and then go to bed. Deal? deal.
And I promise tomorrow to blog. And the next day. And the day after that. And so on, until the 30th, and perhaps beyond.

it's raining rain. hallelujah? no.

2011-04-10T19:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am a terrible person. I missed a day of blogging. But I was also incredibly busy! And also not at home for the majority of the day.
So the night before last we went to Taylor's, where there was a smallish party going on. It was pretty fun, just hanging out around the campfire and playing beer pong, that sort of thing. And introducing Karly to more Pemby people. We didn't get home until about 3, and we went straight to bed. I work up at about 10:30 and proceeded to take over an hour to leave the house. So I ended up missing my rehearsal. But I ran lines with Winona, and then we did a run through of all the plays, so I did get to practice is some. And there's rehearsal monday and tuesday after school. And then we went to Tiarra's and ate a ton of perogies and watched The Other Guys and also Napolean Dynamite, though I napped during that. And then we went back to my house, and Dad made stirfry. And we went driving around looking for the party we had heard was happening. But it was not, apparently. And we were hit on by older guys in front of the pemho. And then went back to Tiarra's and watching Get Him To The Greek with Logan and Millar. And when it was over Karly and I went for a McDonalds run then home, and stayed up a couple hours talking. And this morning was a very lazy morning. I missed dragon boat and work, and I'm terrible person and will just not think about it so I don't feel guilty for it. I made breakfast, and soon after Karly left.
And the rest of the day has comprised of me making banana bread muffins (which are delicious) and being on the computer, occasionally glancing at my homework and considering doing it. And also finally starting my letter to Kathryn and Kyle. It's hard though, writing a letter for two people. Oh, and I'm watching Being John Malkovich right now, which is a very odd movie.
I feel like doing something incredibly artsy and creative and crafty right now. But I'm not sure what. If it was sunny I would go take some pretty pictures. I guess I could continue one of my sewing projects, but that's a project in patience, not creativity. I just do not know.
Anywho, I'm going to continue my movie watching and letter writing and homework ignoring, and have dinner with my father soonish, and it shall be good times.
And next week shall be the beginning of the incredibly busy next couple of months, where I will not allow myself to blatantly disregard obligations like I have this weekend. No matter how much I do not want to do things, I shall do them anyways for my own good, and I shall probably have zero social life or free time because of it. However, it will be better for me, and if I don't do those things I shall feel like a terrible person, and have the free time to dwell on the fact that I'm a terrible person. So yes.

bleh.

2011-04-08T21:39:00.001-07:00

Hellllllo world I am off to go hang out with some mexico friends, and have a generally good time and therefore don't have time to blog tonight! and it will be like this for most of the weekend.
so have a good night!

procrastination.

2011-04-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

So right now I am sitting in front of my computer with a bowl of cappuccino with chocolate chunks frozen yogurt (which is thousands of times better than I thought it would be), doing my computer-y things, and blatantly ignoring my massive amount of work that needs to be done.
I have about 4 paragraphs to write for my independent novel study in english, as well as revising two paragraphs for of mice and men for the same class. and I have to pay my phone bill, which I meant to do as soon as I got back from mexico but I just kept on forgetting. I have to make banana bread (which I should start right away, considering it's already nine....). I have to eat this icecream before it melts. I have to be less stressed about things. speaking of stressing about things, I have to email annie and start properly planning my trip to sweden, instead of just thinking about it. speaking of sweden, I need to figure out what documentation, and visas, and such that I need, and also I need to apply for a new passport because mine expires in november, and I will be in sweden in november so getting a new one then will be quite the hassle.
okay, at the very least I have accomplished my goal of finishing my icecream before it melted.
oh, and I think I'm going to attempt not eating red meat. I don't think I could become straight up vegetarian just like that, and I don't feel strongly enough about it to do that, but red meat is really just not that good for you, and with the exception of steak I don't like it all that much anyways. But I will continue to eat poultry, which technically isn't meat anyways. it's grouped into meat, poultry and fish for a reason. because they are seperate.
uhm. so yeah, just wasted a good half hour reading the blogs of other people who are doing BEDA. Oh, and yesterday I spent literally like 3 hours reading Maureen Johnson's blog, which is quite humourous.

Oh, and now I was trying to pay my cellphone bill and then remembered that I've lost my wallet, and therefore my debit card, and don't have the number written down anywhere, so I can't sign in to the online banking thingamajig, so I can't actually pay my bill. Blarrrgghhhhhhhh stress. I think tomorrow after school I'm going to go get a new debit card. There was only like $60 cash in that wallet, and nothing else important I think... I can't actually remember. I'm kinda more upset about losing the wallet than what was in it. I made that when I was like 10 out of an old pair of pants, and then just recently found it again and put a zipper on it to make it into a real wallet. even though it was kinda a struggle to fit things into it, because it was awkwardly shaped. I don't care, I loved it. :(

oh, funny story. so today in english it was just a catch-up day. I sat down, looked at my empty piece of paper where a paragraph (or 8) should be, and decided to read some more of my novel study novel first. bit of back story: for whatever reason, I write better when in a slightly awkward position. sitting normally on a chair, facing forwards behind a desk, is nearly impossible for me. so usually I scoot my chair back a bit and sit on it sideways with my paper on the desk behind me, and me writing sorta sideways. my classmates have kinda just gotten used to me stealing a corner of their desk space. so, 5 minutes after getting into this position to write and read, I was asleep. about 5 minutes after that, I was awake with my hand asleep. I then stole my friends sweater, used it as a pillow, and slept some more. I woke up to the feeling of my hair shifting. I sat up and like 4 pencils, a couple erasers and a pencil sharpener fell off my head from where my friends had placed them as I slept, apparently snoring. so that was my english class. I was all uncomfortable from sleeping with my body twisted sideways and my face was literally shoved into my friends sweater so I couldn't really breathe properly. not a happy way to wake up. but at least I managed to get some extra sleep in, considering I had to go work right after school.

Okay, I'm going to go now and do all the english homework I haven't done for months and then go study for the huge history test I have tomorrow that I completely forgot about until just now. and banana bread is just going to have to fucking wait (even though I would much rather be doing that right now. But I'm sure my mom would not appreciate me storming into her house and taking over her kitchen, even if banana bread was the result).
BEDA, I apologize for being so awful at you this year. At least in august and april of last year I had some interesting posts. However, there is still 3 weeks to go, so I'm sure there will be at least one good post!

Love, Light & Flying Woozles!

Thoughts From Work part I don't even know.

2011-04-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

So I have this huuugggee stack of paper on the side of my desk, dangerously close to toppling my pen mug over (which I placed on top of this stack to keep them from blowing away...), and I realised that the majority of them are things I wrote at work, therefore I can quite easily transcribe them onto a blog post and then be able to throw out the physical paper without feeling bad about throwing out my thoughts. So this is what I'm going to do. First I'm going to take a picture of their precarious position, because it is slightly humourous to me, and if this post is all about documentation, might as well document some more.

Also, I realise that this BEDA has been comprised primarily of things I've written at work, and I apologize, but I just write A LOT at work, and am often too tired/busy to blog once at home. Like, oh my god I have so much homework which HAS to be done before Friday, because that's when marks are due for midterms.

SHIT my pen jar actually just fell down. The bass in the music I'm listening to must be too loud (I lied when I said this stack of paper was on my desk, it's actually on top of my speaker which is on my desk. I apologize for being misleading). Anywho, I'll just clean that up, take a picture, and begin with the transcription of work thoughts.

Okay, picture of paper-cup-ness:

Andddd without the cup to contain the paper:

Okay, So now onto like actual words and things.

It's stupid how all through childhood you're told that you can do anything, that anything is possible, but as you get older less and less seems possible. How can anything be possible when you're so completely constrained by time and money and laws and politics. By language, and thought. When parents said "you can be whatever you want" they didn't mean it. At least, they didn't mean it in the way children think they meant it, and that's equally bad.

I hope when I die I can see what happens after. I want time to become meaningless and for me to be able to just sit and watch it all. I want to see what happens in the future, until the end of history. And I want to be able to see the past as well. I would love that. Being able, as an omniscient being, to see everything, of all time.
I would especially like to see what the future thinks of my present, and what the past expected. I guess I can sort of do the latter, but I mean what people were saying, not just what's been recorded. And all of the past too, since before there were records. Basically, I want to be omniscient. That would be so cool.

Meaningless conversations awkwardly stuffed with empty words. What do they get us?
What is the purpose of a conversation? In literature it is to move the plot forwards or reveal more about the character. In literature there are rarely meaningless conversations.
But life is filled with them. So in life, what is the point of conversation?
To convey an idea or thought or feeling to someone else.
Conversation, truly, is an art. It's something that most people don't really think about, but everyone has varying degrees of skill at it. There's the average, the majority, who probably never think of it, and the skilled, who may or may not think about it but all the same are much better conversationalists than most. These people tend to also be charismatic, as words have a sort of power over people.

I hate when my eyes/mind move faster than my body. It's like whiplash.

This isn't how they wanted to end up. They had plans for the world, for their lives. They were young, fresh, invincible. What had they become? Grey empty husks, all their life sucked out but so much more to live.

It's weird that someone can say "mercy buckets" and I know exactly what they mean. A deliberate destruction of language that makes perfect sense to me.

I'm sort of reluctant to join the future. Right now I am able to figuratively stand here and watch everything chance (but nothing's changing at all, really). Internet, cell phones, youtube, all these different social interaction websites... I can observe these, and compare it to life before them. And right now, I'm not sure if I like it. I'm pretty apprehensive about where all this is going and what our world is going to be like in the future because of it. I want to be like Ben, embracing every change. I guess I'm just too introspective and think too much to be able to full-heartedly accept everything. All I know is that I'm not ready to be completely open to it all. I still find it weird that 12 year olds have facebook, that my 8 year old cousin understands computers as well if not better than I do. Elementary school kids having cell phones, family friends on twitter... and one of the weirdest things for me is how quickly everyone accepts it.
Now, my lack of cellphone (obviously this paper has been sitting here for awhile, as I have now had a cellphone for many months.) is not for any of those reasons, it is pure laziness. And believe me, I completely participate in internet doings. But every now and then I stop and think about it, and the present age of technology frightens me a little. I'm a little bit hesitant to let it take over my life (too late... this is a blog!).

got a papercut from a cardboard box....

Of course the busiest day of the week is the only day I'm the only cashier.

"Manic Monday" should probably only be played on mondays.

Well, that's not everything, but the rest are long enough to be blog posts on their own, so I shall save them. I hope this has been interesting and informative!
LL&FW

chooooccccccoollaaaatteee bbbaaaaaarr. is quite delicious.

2011-04-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I think earlier I said I was going to talk about this, so now I'm talking about this.
I feel very false. Like the person I project myself to be is not who I am. Like no one really knows me, not even myself.
Argh, and now it's dinner time. While, I guess I'll go have dinner and then finish this. But you, dear reader, won't even notice. if I said nothing it would look like one continuous post with no interuptions. Byt anywho, I must go clear the table for dinner.

okay, after dinner and I no longer want to talk about whatever i was talking about. bleh bleh. but this would be a pretty lame blog post on it's own.
but I have to do all the homework that's waaaay overdue. and that I have to have in by friday for midterm report cards.
this fanta commerical is freaking me out quite a lot.

I had a really good conversation with my mom today. about all sorts of things. it's those sorts of conversations that remind me why I love my mom so much. there are so many times when I sort of forget that. But at the moment we are just so much on the same page. it's quite fantastic.

so yes, that's what's up right now. also I'm super tired all the time, but that's probably just cause I'm sick right now.
So I'm just going to go eat the chocolate bar that is my dessert, and pretend to do my homework and then feel guilty about it as I fall asleep.

scarlett o'hara is a tramp

2011-04-04T19:11:00.000-07:00

Hello blog. I'm writing this as I watch the second half of Gone With the Wind. It was on tv, and I just couldn't resist watching it. But I think I'm going to have to go hang out with people in half an hour, and that means not finishing it. Which is quite sad, though I have seen it before. It's not like I'll be missing anything.
I think I hate Scarlett though. She is just so selfish and insane. Rhett however, much better than I remember him being.

Anyways, my mom just came home. And I keep on getting distracted by this movie, so this post may take awhile.

What a cute little baby. And Scarlett is much more enjoyable at the moment, but I know she becomes a bitch again later.

My mom just told me she wants the computer. So I'll leave this for now and continue watching my movie. And maybe update it later.

about 5 hours later:
Well, I just got home from my friends house. It was the first time I've been to his new place since he moved out of his parent's house, so that was pretty cool. And we ate stirfry and cookie dough and watched MegaMind, which was hilarious, and then I tried peeps for the first time, and then while playing Tom Petty's Won't Back Down my friend at 21 peeps. It was quite impressive, and also disgusting. I don't know how he managed to do it, I felt gross after just 2 peeps.
So that was my Monday night. now I'm going to attempt some homework for like 10 minutes and then go to bed.
And I missed the end of Gone With the Wind, unfortunately. Some other time, I suppose.
Urgh, I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Just the thought of it right now, I don't know. I hate having to deal with people. Oh, and I have to get saturday off of work, which means I'll probably work sunday instead, and I'll miss taking down signs. Which is actually my favourite part of working saturday.
But I'm excited for the weekend! My friend is coming up from langely for a couple days, another friend who recently moved to surrey is coming up for the weekend, I have rehearsal for my short play that I haven't rehearsed in actually months, one of my friends is having a housewarming party. Man I am busy!
And the weekend after that I'm going to the city to visit friends. And watch Dr Who :D
I hate that I know the next couple of months are going to be abominably busy, and I'll probably make zero money because I'll be taking so many days off of work, and I think dragon boat is starting soon which mean I will actually only have like 2 free days. ever. and I won't ever be able to leave pemberton during the weekend, because of working saturdays and dragon boat sundays.
yeah, once dragon boat starts.... it'll be work three days a week, dragon boat twice a week. no free weekends. plus whatever grad things will be happening, and drama things. for the two different plays. oh my god. so much. and during all of that I have to keep up my social life, do my homework and actually start planning next year. speaking of which, i should really get on that. I need to email my exstepmom and talk to her about the logistics of it all.
ah. okay. enough worrying and stuff.
oh, and today I was talking to the people who went to RYLA this year, and it was kinda depressing me. because I was so inspired after RYLA, and did nothing with it. and didn't try hard enough to do the exchange. I applied within our rotary thing and then gave up. fuck I'm useless sometimes. oh well.
that's enough for now. sleepy time. good night, and flying woozles and all that shiz.

2011-04-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

yesterday I turned off my computer, and the moment it finished shutting down I remembered that I hadn't yet blogged. So I'm going to now, in the morning before school as I eat my breakfast, and then also tonight, later. And pretend that I didn't miss a day.
So here is what I wrote at work yesterday:

In grade 5 I hated my teacher. I hate him before he was even my teacher, because he had been my brother's grade 5 teacher, and Leif had hated him, and I always followed Leif's example.
I remember the day I was put in his cloass. I was sitting in my old grade 4 classroom, where I'd spent the past week, like at the beginning of every new school year. I was completely certain that I was going to be in Ms. Saintbury's class. The idea that I could possibly be in the other one hadn't even entered my mind.
I remember sitting there as my grade 4 teacher started reading the names of the students who would be in Ms. Saintbury's class. As she went down the list alphabetically my excitement mounted. The line of kids standing by the door grew, and I began to check for my friend, analyse what the coming year would be like based on the people in my class. I was a little disappointed, as none of my friends were in the class, but nothing could diminish my excitement for it. And it got closer to the R's and I got more and more excited. My whole body was vibrating. And then, one of my best friends at the time, whose last name comes just before mine in roll call, got called, and I was twice as excited as before because my best friend and I were going to be in the same class again.
But my name was never called. The teacher continued down the list and quickly finished (there aren't too many names past the R's).
I was stunned. I would have cried with disappointment, and outrage, bit I was too shocked to do anything but sit. Something that I had not even comprehended being possible had happened. i was going to be in class with the only teacher I had ever hated, and my best friend wasn't going to be with me.

So that's what I wrote at work yesterday. And I was semi-planning on continuing here after work, but then I completely forgot and turned off my computer, so now it will be left on that cliff-hanger. And I'll see youuuuu, dear blog, at some point after school!

LL&FW

It was quite sunny and cloudy today

2011-04-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

Written at work today:

I like to think that I pretty well get the world. I don't think I was brought up by illusions that will be shattered when I graduate, leaving me forced to rebuild all my ideas. I like to think that I've got a grasp on how things work.
But I have this fear that I'm going to enter the world and everything will be different. And all my ideas and ideals won't work. And also that if something real happens, I'll be a different person. I have this fear that I've been deceiving everyone and I'm actually incapable of handling any situation at all. I'm afraid something big will happen and I'll just shut down, ignore it completely.
For whatever reason, I see graduating as this ledge, a cliff. I'll graduate, and step off this ledge and tumble. Where ever I stop is where my life will be.
I hate how much humans are programmed to have a goal, a destination. Because everything I know in life tells me there is no destination (except death), but I still picture it. Life is not a hill that you climb just to reach the top. There is no top. There are resting points along the way, but there is no top. It's not like you can live your life and then reach a certain point and be "ah, I am here. I have reached my destination." Because even if you've reached a goal you've set for yourself, life keeps going. It's not like you reach your goal and time freezes. So it's stupid we're built to think that way, and it's extra stupid that stories support that way of thinking.

This is a completely unrelated thing I wrote at work today (yes I have a lot of free time...):
Sometimes I could swear I'm emotionally stunted or something. It's like I don't feel emotions. But I do. Just not like other people, it seems. I don't really get worked up over thing things (except things I'm afraid of. Fear is a huge thing in my life). I don't know. Maybe it's just that I process everything through my head, not my heart. In just about every given situation I think it and don't feel it. Someone dies? I think about it, but do not feel the typical feelings of sadness or loss. I find out someone likes me? I analyse their recent actions in relation to me and think about it. I don't feel anything. Except, it's not that I don't feel emotions. I know I do. It's just that a) I don't know what they are or how to interpret them, and b) my mind seems to take precedence, so they become buried. I'm sure this is no new thing, but I just think that I should feel more. Like everyone else in the world is overflowing with emotions, and I am devoid of them. Everything is empty. Not at all true, but just how I feel.
I seriously need to learn to think less. I over think, over analyse, everything. My brain never stops. Which is why alcohol has such a strong appeal. It can turn down my brain. However, I don't like that I have no control over turning it back on. So I need to learn how to turn down and turn up my brain without drugs of any sort.
Speaking of which, I really want to try benadryl. I know that sounds stuipd. But benadryl seems like a very low level hallucinogenic drug, and something that would be totally okay for me to do alone or with one friend in my own room one night. It sounds way safer than shrooms. And I don't know.. The wish to try it has grown in the past month quite a lot for no real reason. Once I'm not sick, maybe. But who would I do this with, if anyone? If at all.

So I hope those random bits of thoughts written at work today are good enough for day two of BEDA! I work again tomorrow, so there will probably be something similar. Unless I do a post before work, cause I don't work till 1. Hey, that's not too shabby of an idea.
Oh, and remind me: I need to get the fifth HHGTTG from Kai, cause I'm not sure if I've ever read it. Ever. Which is crazy. Or maybe just once. But yes. Okay. Dishes time, then sleeeeeeeeeppppppp.

BEDA day one and it already sucks.

2011-04-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

Sleepy sleepy. I am very sleepy.
Did I mention before that I got a cold in Mexico? It used to hurt to swallow, but that's gone. Now it's just an extremely stuffy nose and a cough.
Also every other person who went to Mexico got this cold. Except they all got it like 2 days after me, and without the sore throat. So that's interesting. Totally. Because people looove hearing about Mexico. (sarcasm. I've learnt that hearing 12 people talk about how awesome Mexico was every single day drives the remaining 288 students insane, not to mention the teachers.)

Uhm what else. man I really do not feel like blogging today, and I am not exactly a naturally witty person or anything soo. But I guess that's the purpose of BEDA: to get me to blog even when I don't want to, so that I am always writing something at least.

today, when I got home from school, I spent 20 minutes looking for the lid of the popcorn pot. and then I found it, and made my popcorn all delicious like, and then my dad pounced on it. :(
So I got about half the popcorn I was anticipating, and now I want more and am hungry, but it's 5:30 so I'm not going to make any, because then I probably won't eat dinner. Ohhh the dilemmas of Nyckeija Ridington.

Oh, and I've started watching this British TV show called "Skins", and it is super good, and I just finished season 2. I think I'm going to take a break before continuing. Maybe even watch Buffy again, because I haven't in ages it feels like, and I only have like 2 seasons left. I should finish that before I graduate hah.

bleh bleh. I hope this super duper fascinating post suffices for today.

Mexico, and Feelings, and BEDA.

2011-03-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

Well it's coming up to April prettty quick here, and I'm realising I have barely blogged this year. Not that this is something new, but I figured I should stretch my typing-muscles out a little before jumping into blogging every day. And besides, I actually have something to blog about other than my random thoughts, for once.

Last week was spring break, and though for me spring break is usually little more than a much needed respite from school that is rarely spring-like at all, this year it was much more exciting. This spring break I went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, for 7 days with 11 other people in my grad class (and 1 person who isn't). This was all organised by the amazing Tiarra, through the group S-Trip! and I am extremely grateful. Though we had been planning this trip for pretty much a year, I still hadn't really accepted the fact that I was going, and I wasn't all that excited for it, but it turned out to be so much better than everything I anticipated.

My trip started quite frantically, as I was only just on-time for the flight, however all went smoothly after that.

Anddd i just remembered how much I hate relating things that have happened in proper story form. well what the shiz, this is my blog, I shall do what I like.

Basically, we were at this all-inclusive resort about 40 mins outside of Puerto Vallarta with probably 200 other grad trip spring breakers from BC (mostly Surrey, a couple from the Sunshine Coast....). For the extra $60 we had to shell out we got to go to these clubs in the city 4 nights of the week, free busses there and back and with discounted drinks. Three of the four clubs were private, so only the s-trip people were there. Somewhere else around Puerto Vallarta there was another hotel with, I think, a slightly larger amount of students.

So it was pretty much 7 days straight of partying. Like actually, I drank every single day except the day we left. Some people I know even drank that day. It was insane. I don't think I got to bed before 3am a single night. Some nights I didn't even get back into my own room until around 8am.
The resort we were at was huuge, with 6 blocks where things existed. Tiarra and my room was in block 5, but we actually spent the majority of our time in block 6. I don't know about everyone else there, but we did. In any case, around 6 or so, all the s-trip kids began making their way to block 6 where the partying began. If we were going to a club that night, we were pre-drinking heavily, because of the long bus in which we were forced to sober up, and the fact we had to pay for drinks once there. if there was a beach party (which only actually happened one night, now that I think about it... the first night everyone was pretty scattered, and the last night everyone just hung out at one of the bars....), then everyone still drank heavily. Honestly, I've never had so many shots in such quick succession before that week. My body is still in recovery.

On one of the earlier days all the Pemby kids were supposed to go on this "booze cruise", but it ended up being all the boys and me hah. Not that difficult to do, as there only was 4 other pemby girls, but still. And it was quite fun. Everyone was so haggard and hung-over in the morning, but we started drinking earlyish and most got over it. we went by these awesome rocks that have all these scraggly trees and birds wheeling around them and stuff, and then continued to this little cove, where we stopped for lunch and just hung out. I got to dive off a pier and swim up to glistening white sand, which we didn't have at the resort. and then on the way back, everyone started really drinking, and there was this thing at the front of the boat, dancing and a battle of the sexes and all sorts of silly things. and we all took a bite out of flip-flop. Really quite ridiculous, but so much fun, and the only time I really ever hung out with just the guys. man I can't wait for kyle to put those pictures up!

Tiarra and I ended up making reallly good friends with this one girl Karly, from Langely. Only 5 people came from her school, and somehow she just ended up with us more often. By the end of the trip she was sharing our bed, and was an "honorary Pemby girl". I'd describe her as someone I would probably keep in contact with even if no such thing as facebook existed.
However, she wasn't the only person I became friends with. I met plenttttty of super awesome people, and Surrey no longer has as strong of negative connotations as it did before.

Oh, and I decided to not really care about people's opinions there, and stick with the motto "what stays in mexico stays in mexico". which meant I was quite a lot more slutty than I would be in Pemby, but I don't regret anything, not even the minor (okay, let's be honest, I was nearly crying) panic attack that it caused when I got home. However, no detail will be divulged. Because, of course, what stays in mexico stays in mexico.

Oh man, there's so many stories. But it would be pretty much impossible to write them all down.

*Somehow the beginning of this got deleted, and I'm too lazy to retype it, so here is the rest of this particular paragraph. I hope it's still mostly understandable.
RYLA as a very similar but entirely different example here), during the whatever I am having tons of fun, and as it begins to wind down I look forward to the awesome memories and new acquaintances, however as the final day or whatever, when everyone else is spending more time reliving the recent memories and planning for the future (getting home, contacting people, etc), I get tired of it all. I begin to feel that I don't really know these people, and that my experiences dull in comparison to theirs. Every one's talking of these great friendships formed, and I can feel barely anything. Just that it's more names and faces that I know. Not more people that I know. and as it gets closer and closer to the moment we part this feeling grows more, and when the moment of parting is prolonged by us travelling together these feelings only increase. And it gets to the point where I just want to leave, without saying goodbye or anything else to these people. I guess I just feel inadequate.
And then of course I get home, and people ask how things were, and I have to say something about it, smile and talk about how good the trip was and all these friends I made, and even though the things I'm saying are true I feel like I'm lying. Like I'm blatantly lying, stealing the stories and memories and friendships from the other people there who made real storiesmemoriesfriendships. I just can't help feeling.... I don't know. And then, hearing everyone else stories who came back with me, I feel like I'm just a shadow, like they have the real everything. Like it all really happened to me. Which is stupid, I know. Obviously I have stories and memories, and friendships that no one else made, that are all mine. But they never seem as true or real as everyone else's. Maybe this is just my mind, going on with it's you're not good enough, everyone else does better than you. You're a fake. Just more insecurities. But it deeply undermines the enjoyment of anything. When I look back at my memories and feel like they're nothing.

And that is something I have felt before, but have never really put into words, so that's nice.

Another topic to talk about another day is about how I think sometimes every single thing I say is a lie. The truth of what I think or feel or whatever altered to better fit the language, situation, person, world, my judgement of people's reaction to it. argghghghgh whatever. another day.
oh and also that dream of mine last night that made me cry on the way to school. about tiarra and pillows and leif and caves and inadequacy. that shall be another blog post someday. (have I ever actually done a blog post that I said in a blog post I would do another day? I don't think so. well anyways, I shall do my best to do these ones!)

Another day which will be soon, as it is currently the 30th, and I shall be particiapting in BEDA (Blog Every Day April (or really any month that starts with an 'A'))!

Thoughts from Work (part 3? I think)

2011-02-26T22:16:00.000-08:00

So there's this guy that comes into AG that I just cannot stand. I have no idea why, I have nothing against him, he's never said or done anything to give me any reason to have negative feelings towards him. But whenever he comes in my entire body tenses up, and I can't relax until he leaves. I can hardly look at him, and when I do I feel revulsion. It's this strong aversion to him that comes from my entire body for no discernable reason.
One day I saw him while walking home from school and I nearly turned around.
Recently I've seen him with a little boy, who I've realised is his son, and I want to grab the boy, take him to safety. But safety from what? Argh!

"I'm in as much of a hurry as a dead slug right now."

The process that will slowly remove all sense of home has begun. In two months, Dad will be going back to Alaska. At that time he will probably rent or sell the main part of the house, and I will move into the suite, mostly on my own. Mum will be based in Birkin, but will be with me a bunch. However, I will technically be on my own. I guess a little taste of adulthood.

There was a wonderful 2-week period where I felt like I had everything planned out, it was all good. Now the doubts have come back stronger than ever, plus extra decisions to be made. I think Sweden is the best choice, but it's the least certain, the most vague. What would I do there for 4 (or so) months?

It's so weird that you can see things in your "mind's eye". The fact that I can stand here and stare at frozen vegetables, while I am reliving memories, seeing people's faces as they talk. That I can look open eyed at the world around me but be seeing something completely different, of my own invention or memorance. It's no wonder that people can easily go crazy and have hallucinations. We do it naturally, so it's just one step to go further and believe them to be real.

I don't understand why people buy pre-shredded cheese. Are you honestly too lazy to shred your own cheese?

It's so weird, people that I know without knowing. I guess that's what you call acquaintances. But there sure are a lot of them in a small town.

double bleh

2011-02-23T00:39:00.000-08:00

Oh hey, look at this. it's Nyckeija, blogging because she doesn't want to do homework.
Ah, I missed this.

On that note, it's 12 and this stupid paragraph is a week overdue. I'm just gonna buckle down.
But I'll keep blogger open, so you may be hearing from me soon enough.

So in love with these shirts. I will one day buy them.
Actually there were a lot of shirts that I loved, but I managed to ween myself off of them, down to these three. It may even be possible to eliminate one of those, but it will be hard.

Also, thing that I have to watch someday but am currently unable to because my computer sucks, and I am too lazy to email myself the link, so I'll put it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvzDHGLEUyw

Well, those are two very badly written paragraphs done. I guess if I do better ones later in the course it can be used to show how I have improved because of teacheryness.

i guess I should sleep now.

p.s. yesterday I went heli-skiing, remind me to blog about it, and the thoughts I associate with it/had during.

the elegance of the hedgehog

2011-02-13T00:48:00.000-08:00

I think I just discovered my favourite flower. Or maybe not my favourite, but the best to contemplate. I'm pretty sure it replaces the lotus in that manner. It is the camellia. You'll just have to google it, because I'm currently unable/too lazy to upload one here. so there.
and also, I forgot that I was writing a blog and got distracted and now it's my bed time. So you'll just have to live without my contemplation of flowers for tonight.

new people, new ideas.

2011-02-11T01:32:00.000-08:00

Well, since I last blogged I've had some very fun times.
Because there was exam week and I had no exams I went to visit Kathryn in Nanaimo, and I met even more of her friends there, who I got along equally well if not better than the ones I met before.
Everyone there is just so open and comfortable and positive. I don't know if the lifestyle attracts the people, or it's the people, and the lifestyle comes with them, or some sort of never-ending circle of the two, but every single person I met was wonderful.
And the majority of them seemed so appreciative of my general existence.

Living in a small town where I am used to being the quiet girl who is generally overlooked except by my close friends, I am overwhelmed when people I just meet seem to love who I am.

So for the first couple days that I was back home it was almost depressing. To be away from these people who wanted me with them, who loved me after knowing me for only a couple of days.
But now I've gotten back into a more positive mindset. I've realised that I should make the most of my last time of highschool, and there are people here who do love me. It's just that I got so used to the same people, a fresh set was wonderful.
And also, it's a new semester and I think I'm going to enjoy this one quite a lot more. I'm probably going to have more homework, but that's besides the point. It's classes I really enjoy, and that's all that matters.
I'm going to finish this semester having as much fun with the people in my grad class as I can, because most of them I will rarely see again.
But, that doesn't mean I can't try to make time to hang out with my new friends as well. That's what life is really, a balancing of the new and the old.

Anywho, I'm shaking really hard, so I'm going to take that as a sign I should sleep.

LL&FW

Going to the Dentists

2011-01-31T18:10:00.000-08:00

As I sat at the dentist's earlier, seat leaned way back with a bright light shining in my eyes, my mouth clamped uncomfortably open, I realised how self-conscious I am about my mouth. Sure, most people would be pretty self-conscious when there's a professional looking into it, finding all the flaws, but I think I'm more than that. I've always felt uncomfortable with my mouth, refusing to smile with my teeth for pictures when I was younger. Though I now do, I'll look over the photos and almost always prefer the pictures with my mouth closed. It's dumb, because there's nothing really wrong with my teeth. Sure, they aren't perfectly straight and white, but really without tons of work being put into them, they're pretty good. Yet still I'm self-conscious.
I have an under-bite, but it's completely unnoticeable unless I point it out, so that can't be why. My mouth is pretty small, but again, no one would ever notice that.
So I don't really know why I'm so self-conscious about this, but really why is anyone ever self-conscious of anything? They just are.

I once upon a time had a lot more to say for this, but I can no longer remember, and am too distracted by my incredibly difficult tongue right now. It is very slowly coming out of numbness, and it's very difficult to deal with. Or talk.

2011-01-19T12:40:00.000-08:00

Updates in the life of me:
Two of my friends convinced me that I should start a flickr account, and though I had some stupid reasons not to, I did. And now I'm greatly enjoying it. Sure, I don't really feel equal to many of the amazing photography that is on flickr, but you don't need to be an expert to take pictures in this day and age, and it gives me a way to preserve and share some of my better shots without diminishing the quality or stealing the rights like facebook does. Also, I don't feel quite as judged by my peers on flickr, because so few of them are on it, much in the same way that I feel more open on twitter. I'm generally a private person, so I tend to dislike making my every thought open for just about anyone to read. Perhaps I shouldn't have any online things, if that's how I feel, but I do like having them. I just also like knowing that not everyone will see them. If someone was incredibly interested I'm sure they could find all these things, but general acquaintances on facebook will not.
Now that I'm thinking about it I have quite the large, though very unimposing, online presence. I have facebook, twitter, a blog, flickr, youtube, over 4 email accounts... And yet somehow I still manage to feel private. How odd.
But I suppose it's true that I don't really advertise the majority of these things. Really, facebook is the only thing that anybody could see me on, and even there I have a lot of security restrictions. Everything else is semi-private. And I always monitor what I say. With the exception of this blog, I tend to not put my every thought and feeling out there. So despite my expansive presence on the internet, I don't have much of a presence on the internet. If that makes any sense.

Also, I've recently be reading over

shit shit shit... It's 12:38. I was planning on leaving the house at like 12:15. This means I'm currently missing Bio. Arghh and I have a test in Bio! And drama afterschool. And I missed writing yesterday. Okay, so I'm going to go to school now, and just be late. And I forgot to study for my test. Shit! Okay, gonna end this now. Finish later?

New Years, feeling too big.

2011-01-07T17:17:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've gotten to big for Pemberton. Or Pemberton's gotten too small for me. Either way, I feel like I need to get out. This feeling has been steadily building up for awhile now, but it's only just now been fully realised by me. This has partly been catalysed by my recent trip to Nanaimo to visit Kathryn. Which I should probably blog about also. Alright, digression:

After spending a day hanging out with Kathryn (and having a magnificent nighttime conversation about the nature of the world, human energy, decisions, and other such things) the idea was implanted in my brain of going to Nanaimo for New Years Eve. I was already aware that nobody had any real plans for New Years, and though I wasn't sure I wanted to leave all the friends that no longer spend the majority of their time in Pemberton, I finally decided that I would go.
I caught the 3:30 bus, and got into Departure Bay around 8:45/9 ish. Kathryn and her boyfriend Kyle were waiting for me in the terminal, and Tonya was outside in the car. We drove to Kathryn's house, I said hi to Kyla and her friends, dropped off my bags, and off we went to Kathryn's friend Maddy's house. There were about 5 people there, including Steve, because everyone else had gone off to get a boot. Luckily it wasn't really awkward at all, just a bit quiet. We had some random conversations (disposing of dead hookers, dead baby jokes, some other stuff) and soon enough the others came back. There were about 10-15 people there in total, and of all the people Kathryn had told me about only around 5 weren't there. So that was good; I got to meet most of Kathryn's good friends. And we just spent the night hanging out at Maddy's. Just before the countdown we turned on a fresh prince of bel-air remix, and had a dance party before the countdown. Which was slightly awkward, because of the 3 girls there, I was the only one without a boyfriend to kiss. But nobody attempted anything, for which I am glad, and then everyone went upstairs to wish Maddy's mom a happy New Year, and bang pots and pans at all the doorways.
Then a bunch of people went outside to smoke a chocolate cigar, and though I didn't smoke any, I joined them outside for the smell and company. And most of the rest of the night was spent just sitting around inside, talking and listening to music. It was actually so chill, but good. And I found out that they all like Dr Who, and a bunch of other stuff that I'm into (can't really remember it all right now). And I just got along with everyone so well. So that was the beginning of my "out of comfort zone experiences" that I have decided I should try more of this year. And it turned out so well. And nobody really had a super amazing New Years in pemby, so I don't feel like I missed out on anything.
Anyways, the next day I just spent hanging out with Kathryn, Kyle, and their friend Jesse (who was also at Maddy's), and just had a generally good time. And then on Sunday I went caught the ferry and mom picked me up.
On the way home we stopped at Walmart, and mom bought me a blackberry. So I finally have a cellphone! Again! Finally!
And then we hung out with Wendy and Bronwyn, and Nick, because it was Wendy's birthday.

So that digression probably went on for much longer than necessary... What was I talking about...
Oh right, feeling big. Yes, so visiting Kathryn and hanging out with all her friend in Nanaimo just really drove it into me how restrictive Pemberton is. Because it is so small there are less options, and because there are less people I feel more constrained to stick to their idea of how I am. I don't feel as free to just do what I want, and be how I be. It's not like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, I just act more into the personality traits of mine that everyone here is used to and expects from me.
Of course, with more options there's more room for failure, but I'm fine with that. I just feel like it's time for me to leave Pemberton and break out into the world, and figure out who I am exactly. I've been so bogged down by what other's think I am that I really have lost sight of who I am. I mean, I'm probably more in touch with that than most people because I feel like I'm constantly searching for it, but I need to be more out in the open to fully figure everything out.
This is sorta one of the reasons I don't want to go straight to university. I want to travel and work and make mistakes before I strap myself into a something I don't feel like I have much control over, that will drain my money. Unfortunately, I'm not certain enough in my desire to explore myself, and the world, to just say that I'm not going to university right away. And I do want to go at some point. I just want to be more sure of everything before I do. And even if I don't go straight to university, if I do something else, there are tons of options that are open to me, and I have no idea which I'd want to take. I mean, I would absolutely love to travel. But where, and with whom, and when, for how long, with what money? There are so many unanswered questions!

...And that was like something directly from my stream of consciousness right now. Basically exactly what's on my mind. So yepp... probably enough unedited ranting for one day!

2011

2011-01-03T21:18:00.000-08:00

My New Years Resolution is to write more. This semester is almost over, which means my writing class is almost over too. I've really enjoyed it, so this year I'm going to try writing more often on my own time.

Also, try out-of-comfort-zone things.

2010-12-27T21:59:00.000-08:00

Hello world.

As per usual, I have no specific topic or idea to write about at the moment. I just felt the need to talk, you know?
And it doesn't hurt that I currently have access to a computer that I can type on for large amounts of time without it becoming figuratively painful.

Right now I'm lying on Kathryn's bed in Birkin. She's taking a shower. We just watched Requiem for a Dream, which I got her for Christmas. She got me this awesome tiny little notebook, with a leather cover, from India apparently.

Because of the wonderfulness that is that movie, I'm feeling very inspired. Like creating something. And the easiest thing I could possibly create is a blog post. Yes, being lazy even in this time of creativity. But I was thinking, this blog is just an outlet of my highly creative mind. It's words and thoughts, straight from that grey matter between my ears. You can't get anything more directly creative than this. Besides, though I may be creative, I'm not original enough to create real things. My artwork is just crass imitations. My stories have no spark. My photography is based on similar ideas I've seen online. What originality do I have? None. I am an artistic spirit without art. A creative mind without creation. Maybe it's just inexperience. I know that most cartoonists started out just copying things they are a fan of, and eventually got into more of their own style. Maybe I just haven't lived enough life to create something truly real.
Or maybe I'm just deeply insecure about myself.

Anywhoo, Merry Christmas. I've had a good one, nothing super amazing or spectacular, but good. Theme of christmas presents: jewellery, chocolate and novelty socks.

And hopefully in the next week I'll spend plenty of time with all my friends. Maybe even sasquatch hunting?

Various Things That Have Been Written On Bits Of Paper At Work 2

2010-12-24T01:09:00.000-08:00

You know when you're making lemonade out of that Realemon stuff mixed with water, and it's too sour, so you add a lot of sugar? And then you don't wait for it to all dissolve properly, and barely stir it, before you drink. At first it's too sour, but about midway down it's perfect. And the last bit is so sickeningly sweet you can hardly drink it. But you do.
And the smell of it- the smell of the sweet, sticky sugar, with a faint overlay of bitter lemon that would reach you just before the liquid did.
I just smelt that smell, oddly mixed with pot, for a couple of seconds.

ACTUALLY. act-u-al-lee. ack-tchu-al-ee. ack-shu-al-ee. ack-shu-lee. ack-tchu-lee.

"Have you ever seen time fly?" (about to throw a clock)
No. That is not time. That is a mechanical device used to measure time. Time is an immaterial concept created by man. Your pun is invalid.

There are tons of people that you don't ever seem to think about until you see them. They just don't cross your mind. So when you do see them, and think about them, it's sorta nice. It's like the universe going, "hey, remember this guy?He exists."I like to be reminded of people's existence like that.

"So, do you ever go the the PemHo?"
"Well, I'm not legal..."
"What! You're under 19...?!"
"Yep. Still in highschool actually. Grade 12."
"What, I thought you were like 21 or something"
"Haha nope. But I guess I'll take that as a compliment."
"Yeah, definitely a compliment, someone thinking your mature enough to be..."
"Yeah. Well. Have a good night."
"You too. Merry Christmas."

I thought I saw a guy with dreads... turns out he was just greasy.

penny on the till

I really don't connect with people well in a short amount of time. It takes me a while to really, fully love and get someone, and even then there are times I'm at a loss. I'm not sure if it's because I don't o up right away or if it's because I need to know someone well before I can feel a strong connection with them. Maybe because I need to be able to open up and talk deeply before I can feel any sort of connection. Because I feel like anything less isn't real. So far, in my life, Esme has been the only exception.

worst mispronunciation sequence ever:
"what's your name?"
"Nyckeija"
"La-fie-ah?"
"No, Na-kai-ah"
"La-kai-ah?"
"NA-kai-ah!"
"Da-kai-ah? Oh, na-kai-ah! Cool name!"
*fist pump*

I hate that the only people who ask what my name is or tell me I'm pretty are drunk old men.

I don't really miss him, per se, but I miss him. I don't miss living with him, our day to day average interactions or constant fighting. But I do miss him, who he is as a person, and the way we get along so well. The way we understand each other so much better than anyone else in our family understands us. flaws and imperfections, everything. The way we can both cry.
He's the closest person I have in my family, and I miss having that nearby.
We are just not compatible for living together.
It's interesting how much we've both changed in the past couple years, yet we sill get along so well.

Rotating till:
"Oh wow, that's old school isn't it?
"Yeah it is. Well, this is Pemberton"

man with the prettiest eyes. blue, long dark lashes. when he smiled and they sparkled, oh my!

There are plenty of times I don't recognize someone I should. Usually it's because they're in a place I don't expect them to be.
My eyes will drift over them like they're any other person, and then snap back, going 'hey! It's so and so!'.

Has the way human beings think evolved or changed over time? Since the first recorded human civilization, has how we think changed? I wish I could answer this question, but I don't even know if how I think is the same anyone else, so it would be pretty near impossible.

morass. spiffy. awkward. crazy. ambiguity. convoluted. aplomb. paradigm. tessellate. antiquate.

rambling ranch

2010-11-09T23:52:00.000-08:00

This a new, better Nyckeija.
My quasi-depression of the past couple months is over. I am confident, optimistic and going to actually put in effort at school to do well.
At least, that's the plan.
I'm not entirely sure what's inspired this change, but it feels good. Wallowing in whatever I was wallowing in is only good for so long. And it wasn't really sudden... this has been a gradual change. But now the change has been realized and actualized.
On slightly less up-beat notes, I have dropped (given up on):
-French 12 online
and
-NaNoWriMo

And here are my excuses:
I was getting nowhere in French, and I am really bad at self-motivating and doing a language course online by yourself is a little bit ridiculous. It doesn't really make sense, and I think I either wouldn't finish it or would do very poorly. It makes more sense for me to use my resource block for homework and other such stuff.
And as for Nanowrimo, well I just don't feel like I'm ready yet. I have not the skill nor the patience to write a novel in a month. i'd go insane. Also, exttreme lack of iideeas.
But I must go because my keyboard is refusing to cooperatte.
LL&FW

Various Things That Have Been Written On Bits Of Paper At Work

2010-11-09T10:13:00.000-08:00

I love that by not trick-or-treating I am getting candy.

I swear that kid looked like a baby NPH. Or maybe what his son would look like.

I'm currently running on automatic. Any interactions (here it was left off and never finished)

I often pretend to be more forgetful than I am. I'm not entirely sure why I do this, because I'm extremely forgetful as it is. I guess it just makes things easier. Instead of doing or saying something I can pretend I forgot. It also makes my real forgetfulness more believable because I'm "always" forgetting things. And it's an excuse when I don't do something.
It also keeps people from putting too much responsibility on me. But I should probably stop pretending. Yes, I do forget quite a lot of things, but not as much as people think I do.

It smelt like someone with bad breath had eaten and subsequently burped up shows that an olympic athlete and run a 40 mile marathon in.

He used to simutaneously creep me out and turn me on. I used to think that he was some kind of pervert, and then I would have fantasies that included him. It was all very confusing in general. I felt highly aware of myself and my body around him, and vaguely uncomfortable. I think it was his eyes. They were very beautiful, but had a similar feeling to those old men who compliment me at the grocery store. Like they were forcefully undressing me in their mind, at all times. In some ways this made me act a little immature around him, always blushing and unable to hold his gaze for very long. It was like I was always trying escape his eyes; they would pin me down if I didn't. When I was talking to him I was almost incapable of having a real conversation. My heart felt like it was stuck in my throat, choking my words, especially when he caught me by surprise.
If I was expecting to see him it was fine, mostly. But if I wasn't, I was unable to converse properly. I don't even know his age, really. Mid-thirties is my guess, but that's really just a guess.

-webcomics
-blog
-HP
-reading
- critiqueing
-RPG
- various games/dress up/lessons
-Dr Who
-Buffy
-Firefly/Serenity
-general sci fi books
-D&D
-social awkwardness
-reading in general
-star wars pillow
-smartness

Browsing through the local thrift store in town, Brookie didn't expect to find much. This was her last attempt to find a Halloween costume for the party she had been invited to that night, and her hopes were low.
She had already resigned herself to watching horror movies on tv alone when she remembered the advertisement for costumes at Second Glance, the thrift store she was now walking through.
So far she had seen nothing she liked, let alone could imagine wearing in public. Taking one last look around the shop Brookie sighed and got ready leave when she caught sight of a staircase going down in the corner. Above it was a small cardboard sign reading "More costumes below". Though she didn't expect find anything better there, Brookie descended the stairs and entered small dank basement room with shelves and hangers covering nearly all the floor space.
Brookie squeezed herself through the narrow aisle, cursing the extra helping of lunch she had eaten.
Finally she managed to make her way to a small area of space not completely overrun with clothing. Relaxing slightly, she walked in a tight circle around the clearing, looking over the clothes closest to her.
Suddenly she stopped, then reached out and grabbed a hanger off the rack. It was perfect, exactly what she had been looking for. Brookie smiled widely and her grip on the hanger tight, she fought her way back to the stairs and rushed to the cash register.
Sometime later Brookie stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom, examining her appearance.

Nanowrimo

2010-11-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

First day of Nanowrimo, and I've started late. Here's the beginning of my novel.

It's dark up here, and cold. I don't understand how. Everywhere else in the house is boiling, but not here. There's no light either. There used to be one, but it burnt out years ago and no one replaced it. All I can see are vague shapes in the darkness, and one corner of brightness where sun shines through the tiny, dusty window. I tend to shy away from that window, unless I need to read something. The dark isn't scary, no matter what the horror movies say. It's almost comforting. Something I can relax in.
I know every corner of this attic. I should, after all the time I've spent in it. Every single nook and crannie, all the piled up junk and knick knacks. There are no secrets up here.
I've slowly organized it. It's taken time, to sort through it all. My favourite things are in the middle, and everything else arranged around them. The things in the middle I usually look at every day. I have every single detail memorised. I could replicate them exactly. But I won't. They're only special as they are. And today I have to leave them.
It's heartbreaking, really. Of all the things in my life that I have to say goodbye to, these are the ones I'll miss the most. How sad is that? A bunch of inanimate objects, and I love them more than anyone I know.
But I can't take them with me. I need to go into my future with no luggage, psychological or otherwise.
A small breeze comes through the barely open window and disturbs my carefully made pile, floating a small piece of paper through the dust air. It lands beside my foot and I lean down to pick it up. It's a photo, faded and fragile. Black and white, though now more grey with time. In it are two young women, wearing bathing costumes and laughing, their arms wrapped around each other. One has darker hair. Both are standing on a hill in front a small beach. There is a bit of lens flare from the sun blocking out one of the corners. I smile and smooth the corners out as I gaze upon my grandma and her best friend.

Divorced Parents Living In The Same House? Whaa?

2010-10-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

In a very strange way, living with both my parents together is more like living on my own than living with just one or the other ever was.
Maybe it's because it's a lot more like we're all just roommates. Because both parents are there neither of them parent me as much as they used to. There is also a serious lack of communication going on. On any given day I do not know who is going to be home or what's happening for dinner. This usually means that I just do my own thing and if no one is home by eight or nine I make my own dinner. There has also been a lot of going out for dinner with my dad and his students, which is extrememly boring for me. But hey, it's food that I don't have cook or do the dishes for, which is a plus.
In any case, my family situation right now is extremely wierd.
BUT, my dad's students are gone now, and though the craziness will continue he promised me that life will settle back into a normal routine in December. November will continue to be messed up - I think there is only one week where both my father and I are home - but after that he will be in his permanent, 12-hour a day job.

Tired tired tired... and rain.

2010-10-11T02:25:00.000-07:00

Well. Hello blog. I guess now that I'm taking a writing class I have less motivation to write in you.
Yes, I am cheating on you with my moleskin. I'd apologize, but that implies I'm sorry, and I love my moleskin too much to be sorry. But I love you too! Compromise?

..... And now that that's over....

I'm going to bed.
Wow this was a failure of a blog. I sit down, open blogger, write that wonderful little introduction... then get distracted by facebook, forget about it and watch a bunch of episodes of buffy. oh man. Where is my life going.

So, it's Sunday night on Thanksgiving Weekend.. I say weekend cause I don't know the actual date of Thanksgiving day. I can only assume it's Monday, because thats the day we get off... But I don't know for sure.
Yesterday I went to Keyhole hotsprings with some friends and had a grand ole time, despite the rain and the fact that five people are very squichy in that one pool. Especially considering two of the people I was with are practically giants. We also saw the recent landslide, which was very interesting. This huge area that was previously forest was now just mud.
After that I went to a friends house for a surprise birthday party of fondue. I was certain I was going to be late and not be able to participate, but it turned out I could, which was good... Even if our Surprise! wasn't really good timing-wise. I stuffed myself over and over with fondues of all kinds (cheese, meat/broth, chocolate) and then ate cake. After that I went to another friends house for a campfire. It was pretty good... everyone sitting around, drinking and talking, catching up. Unfortunately I stayed there much past the normal party-over time, because getting sober rides was an issue, but a bit after I was planning where I would sleep that night, having given up on my ride, a car pulled into the driveway for me. So I got home at four and was able to sleep in my own, warm cozy bed.
All in all a good day and night!
Now it is late once again, and I really must sleep.
I promise I'll blog more often. And when I write things I really like in my writing class I'll even consider posting them here. Seeing as parts of one of my assignments is going in our school newspaper, I may as well.
Good night, blogosphere!

rantrantrant

2010-09-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

So, I have completely lost motivation for life, or at least life as I am a part of it at this time.
For example, every single morning when I'm waking up it takes an immense amount of effort to get out of bed. Not the usual "urghgh I'm tired..." effort, but more of a "why even bother, it's not like this time of my life matters to me" sort of effort. Every single day I have to convince myself to get up, get dressed, get to school and do stuff. Sometimes I even go through my whole morning routine before crawling back into bed and sleeping away half the day because I decide (about a minute before I would normally leave the house) that there is actually no point of me being as school, so I shouldn't bother.
I know this is a stupid attitude to take, and it's not just laziness. I mean, it is part laziness... everything I do is part laziness. But that is not the driving factor in this lack of motivation. It's the feeling that right now, everything I do is not necessary.
It may be partly because of my classes. Right now I'm taking Creative Writing 12, Bio 12, Library, and Resource room. In bio it feels like we don't actually learn anything, and I'm not interested in what we would be learning anyways, in creative writing... well, it's mostly just free writes, with projects thrown in. It's basically what I do when I'm bored/have nothing to do at work. So that feels pointless. Library I'm never really doing much... it's supposed to be a block where I am the librarian's assistant, but she's always busy with other students, and though she does give me projects, I am not capable enough to be left alone with them. I don't work very well under little to no directions. I need to know exactly what is expected of me/how I should be doing what I'm doing. So that "class" feels pointless too. And then there's resource. This is the class where I am supposed to be doing French 12 online, but it's not set up yet, so instead I read/stare into space.
To summarize, I feel either useless or like whatever I'm doing is pointless/unnecessary in every single class I have. Which means, it is ridiculously difficult to get out of bed in the morning.
And, on top of that, I've been feeling very lonely lately. Which is stupid, cause I have plenty of good friends and people to hang out with. But I'm still feeling lonely. I guess I got used to always having Kathryn around, to the point of annoyance. When one of your closest friends is with you basically all the time, then suddenly isn't... it makes one feel kinda lonely. Or maybe just me. Whatever.

As I said the other night, while walking home in a state of inebriation, right now I have a choice. I can stay satisfied, comfortable and happy with the group of friends I have still with me, and whom I love... or I can attempt to put myself out there a bit more and try and hang out with different people. Reading over that it makes me feel like a wimp to want to stick with the first option. But in the first one I have a guarantee of having fun and being happy, whereas with the second one I'll always be second guessing myself and feeling vaguely uncomfortable and out of place. I know this because in grade 10 I was doing more of the putting-myself-outside-of-my-comfort-zone sort of thing, and even though it ended up with me getting to know Kathryn (among other people) and having fun and such, I was uncomfortable the majority of the time. I never know what to say or do. What to thing. How to act. I hate it. With the friends I have I can be the me I am, or at least the me I play up.
Bleh. Everything I'm writing makes it sound more and more obvious that I should try for the different thing... but what if I know I'll be unhappy doing that? I don't want my grad year to be one of unhappiness. Although I suppose right now I am unhappy, so it probs can't get much worse.
But I don't want to be a part of drama, and if I try to make new friends (and I can only think of one "crowd" to try that with) I will inevitably be dragged in.
Not to mention that they may not want me. I haven't even considered that yet, how egotistical is that. I'm going to stop now because I have to retype half of this because my keyboard is screwed and it won't show up. So that's all for now...basically a summary of what's been on my mind recently.

2010-09-20T03:35:00.000-07:00

So, it is three o'clock on a sunday evening, and I am not sober. This is probably not a good sign for what my life is goign to be like. My nose is uncomfortably throbbing, and I really have to go pee but don't want to. I got my nose pierced today, which is pretty exciting, considering \i've wanted to get this done since like March or some shit like that. It sometime hurt but nsometimes doesn't. The whole getting-it-done was very short and interesting. I'd writte about it right now if \I was'nt so drunk and incapable of typign. You really should never have a family dinner in which alcohol is involved on a sunday night. just generallyk not a good plan.

So, Marlowe and I went into the small room where the guy (whose name I learnt much later, was Corey) was going to pierce my nose. It was really like a medical check-up room or something in the general set-up and sterilisation. \The entire time I was there he was talking, most about care for my nose piercing and the procedure for doing it. During this time he put iodine on the inside and outside of my nose, and determined where he would be piercing it. He told me to breathe in through my nose and out rhtough my mouth a couple times, and then he would tell me when he was putting the needle though my nose, and I would breathe out, and while all that was happening \i was supposed to wiggle my toes. that is pretty much what happened. I think I breathed in and out about 2 times, and then one time (I can't remebner if he said anything or not) he put the needle throuh my nose. it was like a 3 inch needle, pretty fucking big. And though I coudn't see it, and it wasn't that painful, \i felt freaked out anyways. I breathed out like he said, and then sort of belatedly I wiggled my toes. Before I did that though I swallowed, a huge amount of saliva t had built up in my nervousness. By the time I had enough mind power to swallopw the saliva and wiggle my toes it was over. There were a couple more needles and fiddling around to get the actual stud in, and I still don't understand how it works fully, but thats okay. I 't have to take it out for at least 6 months. It's here now, and it's here to stay. And I like it! An I should probs go to sleep or something, so I guess |I will sign off now. I may have more or better things to say when I'm more sober, but for now this is ti. have a good night!

p.s. I hate this computer and it's keyboard. this would make a lot more senseboard, I sweAR. with a different key

Mockingjay Reaction

2010-09-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

Part 1: Halfway through the book:
Books. Oh books. Howyou use those pretty words formed in different patterns to make us feel so much so strongly. Words, arranged to play with our emotions.
Oh My God. This book. Gah. I don't even know what to say! I hate it, but it's wonderful. I want to throw it across the room. In fact, I have thrown is it across the room, but right away I got up and picked it up, and continued reading. You just can't stop. I hate t, but because the author wants me to hate it. Because the main character hates it. How could I not?
I'm almost exactly halfway through and have absolutely no idea how it's going to end. Nor do I want to. I want to just keep on reading, let it unravel in front of me. So I shall.

Part 2: Finished the book:
Well fuck. I am so completely emotionally drained right now. What an awful, amazing book. I haven't cried like that in ages. I don't even know what tothink now. I think I hate every single character, but in a way that's the point. There's so much to say, but no way to express it.

Part 3: A day after finishing the book:
It really was the perfect way to end the trilogy. The first two were so action packed because of being set in the actual Hunger Games and all the danger that goes with them, but this third one was something different. It was real (not that the Games weren't real) danger, and played with human emotion so much more. There were so many disaster's, and Katniss' dilemmas and confusion, her mental instability, made it so much more real. I was almost completely certain that there was no way that book could possibly have a happy ending, but when it did it didn't seem contrived or unfitting.
And the whole Gale vs Peeta thing is finally concluded in a (mostly) satisfactory way. For the majority of the book I was certain she would choose neither, and either make a life by herself, without them, or she would die.
Really, tragedy is so much more effective at making humans truly feel and identify. Catharsis.
I also liked (upon reflection...) how so few of the characters were likable. True, you were drawn to them, interested in them, but I didn't really like any of the characters. Not even Katniss. In the past books Peeta was really the only "perfect" character, but in his perfection were his flaws, and in this book he was made just as unlikable. It's sorta like the ambiguity that I love so much in Hayao Miyazaki's movies, except this had less ambiguity in some ways.
So yes, I highly recommend this series. I think that almost anyone will love it, and although the third book is terrible, it's wonderful and a perfect fit. (Tanis would hate it though.)

And in case you were wondering, the places I cried at (without giving away any of the story):
the beginning of chapter 13
and
when Buttercup comes back at the very, very end, continuing until the epilogue.

However, my eyes were watering for the majority of the book. Those two parts just had me crying the most, and the second one (with Buttercup) I was absolutely bawling. Like, snotty, mascara-smearing tears.
Also, my reaction part 1 was written after my breakdown during chapter 13.

School, school, school.

2010-09-08T18:58:00.000-07:00

Today was the first REAL day of school, and it was alright. I skipped yearbook under the pretense of talking to the counsellor, didn't pay attention in geography or biology and was rather bored by the rant in writing. However, after school I stayed and actually talked to the counsellor, and now have my courses changed. Instead of yearbook I'll be doing french 12 online, and instead of geography I'll peer tutor (or something). I also now have a spare next semester, during which I may do english lit online.. I haven't decided yet.
So, current schedule:

Semester 1
Block 1- Spare/French 12
Block 2- Spare/Peer Tutoring
Block 3- Biology
Block 4- Creative Writing

Semester 2
Block 1- English 12
Block 2- Theatre 12
Block 3- History 12
Block 3- Spare/English Lit/Some Other Online Course

Hopefully it will be a good year! The only class that doesn't really fit into my true interests is Bio, but it shouldn't be too hard. And I really hope that French will actually be do-able online.

Anyways, that is my boring school update! Oh, and they changed some things around, so I am in a different AG now (They're sorta doing it by grades, but unfortunately I am in a grade 11 one, with only one other grade 12). And I think the school is putting more effort into things so we'll see how that goes.

The Very Start of the Beginning of the Very End (of the Upper Levels of Public Education aka High School)

2010-09-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

Well, tonight is the last night of my last summer vacation.

It's been a good summer, probably the best of my highschool years. Kathryn and I spent oodles of time together, I got introduced and fell in love before abandoning Dungeons & Dragons, I met some new people, I worked a bunch, I hung out with Maddie and met her boyfriend (finally!), I went to Tofino, I went to Prince George (well, West Lake...), I had a very good bonding conversation with my mother, I went to multiple fun parties, I camped at Nairn with good friends, I had risotto for the very first time, I gained a butt load of confidence, I lost 10 pounds, I had amusing conversations with people I'll probably never see again, I said goodbye to good friends going on with their lives, I broke a bathing suit, I broke someone's heart, I bought pretty new clothes and FINALLY got a pair of shorts.......
That is all I can think of right now.

Sometime in the next hour I am going to do the dishes, tidy the living room and bathroom, go to the cold beer and wine store, then go "grad camping", except I think I'm just going to come home after cause I'm lazy. Or pass out in the field with no tent or blanket. Either way, I should have plenty of fun with my fellow grads, and tomorrow is the first day of school. Good thing it's only for a couple of hours!

Anyways, gotta go, dishes time!

fragment

2010-09-06T21:57:00.001-07:00

...in their unbreachable bubble of laughter, that echoed temptatingly on like the waves of tempestous water slapping the frozen sand...

Cookie Muffins.

2010-09-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well now. I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. Which is strange, because I've had plenty of blog-worthy thoughts. I just haven't ever gotten around to blogging them. Oh well!

I made cookie muffins last night, but they were just not quite as delicious as they were last time I made them. Regular cookies would've been better, but alas, I could not find my cookie sheet. So muffins it had to be.

My house must be cleaned! It's absolutely awful. And I know it's party my fault, but it was awful when I got home.. Eghghg.. One side of me is going "Get up, stop blogging, and CLEAN!" and the other side is going "No, don't... it's just too much effort. You can do it later." We shall see who wins.

I can't wait to have my own place.. to decorate however I want, and never have to worry about the other people. But I'll probably live somewhere with roommates before living on my own, so I guess I won't have that freedom right away. Who knows.

Man this is disjointed. Oh well, no one cares.

I think tonight I'mma go do some keg drinking, possibly some white wine drinking, and hang out with friends (anddd I just realised all these plans were with my guy friends...). I may or may not have an interesting night, and I may or may not be informing those very-little-or-none readers about it sometime in the future! Ah, ambiguity. How I love you.

LL&FW

Sum of My Parts.

2010-08-30T23:52:00.000-07:00

Wow. I have really failed in the past week, in the blogging world. I have just not bothered to blog. There were a couple days when I couldn't because I was too busy, but for the most part it was really just laziness on my part. But I guess the only person this was truly a promise to was myself, and it doesn't matter if I let myself down. And that sentence is really terrible, reading back over it. Oh well!

I don't have much to say right now, and it's 14 minutes to midnight, so I'll just copy out something I wrote at work the other day.

I may not have flawless legs that go on forever, or the perfectly perky boobs. My skin is not tanned a golden marshmellow brown. My hair is frizzy and in some angles I have a double chin. I snore at night and almost never exercise. Bu without all these flaws, if I was 'perfect', the ideal, I wouldn't be me. Short, curly-haired, word-mangling, big breasted, pale, lazy, adventure-dreaming, freckled, green-eye brown-haired me. I am the sum of my parts, both good and bad, and I would never want it to be any other way. This is who I am, and I love it.

Well, I have 9 more minutes before this is late. But I don't really have much to say, so I guess I'll just leave it at that. Maybe tomorrow I'll be more entertaining. I can write this during my lunch break.

LL&FW

HAIR

2010-08-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

I love my hair. And I don't just mean in the past couple weeks or anything. For multiple months now, I have been in love with my hair almost every day.
You see, I consider my hair to be my most prominent feature (despite what others may say about the body parts under my clavicle). When I look in the mirror, it is what I first notice. I notice my hair, whereas I search out the other features to check up on them. And last night I realised that I have felt approval more often than not when glancing in the mirror.

I have recently become fascinated with curly hair. Before it was just something that I happened to have, and now its more of a genuine interest. I'm always excited when I meet someone new who has curly hair. And I can spend vast amounts of time looking at it. All the intricacies of the curls, the way this one goes this way and this one that way, and this one over here is a perfect spiral, and so on and so forth.

You see, one of the very interesting parts of curly hair, for me, is the way it changes. Every day I step out of the shower -- no, not even that. Every day, whether or not I shower, it's different. Even halfway through the day, it's different. My hair is just constantly changing, and I love that about it.

I also enjoy how well it can hold itself when it feels like it, and how for the most part it does what I want. If I put it in a braid and have no hair elastic, well, it will hold for a while so I don't have to worry about it. One day I wanted to put it in a bun but had no elastic, so I just split it in half and tied a double knot, which formed it into a bun-like structure, which held for a couple hours. It's just very impressive in that manner.

However, I have recently noticed that it's been getting more and more blonde in it, and I don't like it. This morning I re-parted my hair, on the opposite side of my face, so that the blondish streaks that were in my bangs would be hidden... and though I like it (and it's new and different, considering I've had my hair parted the same way for multiple years) I still want my hair to be darker. I'm tired of these silly blondish nesses. Which is kinda funny, cause a couple weeks ago I was considering putting MORE streaks in my hair (Although more of a mixture of red and blond and brown), but now I just want darker hair... Like a dark, chocolate brown. Yessss that would be niiiiiice.

On a different (but still sorta materialistic) note, I think tomorrow I will be going into Prince George proper, which means I will probably go shopping. I think it may be the last time I'm in a large town/city with lots of malls and such until like.. December.... so I should probably try and buy some shit. I'm thinking.... new pair of jeans, maybe a bag, some boots of some sort..... a bathing suit.... new underwear.... What else do I actually need instead of just want...
Because obviously the entire internet needs to know what I am planing on buying when I go shopping tomorrow. Ah well. If you care enough to actually read my blog, hopefully you won't be too repulsed by such interesting thoughts as these.

Well, I think thats all that I have to say tonight. See you tomorrow, blogosphere!

Friends And Good Times.

2010-08-25T00:18:00.000-07:00

These are many and varied pictures, the one thing connecting them being that they all depict some time or another that I was with friends, having fun. I believe they span about two or three years, but don't quote me on that.

I have no reason to share these photos, but I just sorta felt like it. If I could, there would be so many more.

Some day I will do something similar to this, but it would be titled something more along the lines of "things that make me smile", and they wouldn't have any set criteria except for that.

For now though, this is me and my friends.

Fancy Feast

2010-08-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

I just spent some time reading the Joy of Cooking cookbook, and it has inspired me to want to do a fancy luncheon or dinner sometime. With probably about 10 or so friends invited, a two or three course meal... Everyone will have to come dressed formally, or at least semi-formally.
This is the type of plan that will take all day for me to prepare, and I will cook it all at home. I am really excited! And desert... ahhhh, I cannot wait!

Of course, it has to be a time when everyone is home. So either I have to do this before September, or wait until Thanksgiving break. Or something. I'm not sure.

"Know thyself well enough to know that other people don't know you and well enough to know that you don't know other people."

2010-08-23T23:05:00.000-07:00

I am currently watching this movie called The Theif and The Cobbler, and it's very interesting! It's pretty old, and was never really finished, so its put together with various other drawings and sketches and estimations of how it should be. So far I'm really enjoying it, but the internet keeps on interfering and keeping me from watching it all.
So now I'm going to continue watching it, and maybe update this more as the night wears one. BUT I will post it now, and it will be the post for Aug 23rd of BEDA.

Random (And Short, Loving) Rant!

2010-08-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

I am becoming increasingly aware that my Yaya loves to talk. She has regaled me with many a story, of her, of her friends and many other peoples lives. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy listening to her stories, especially about her childhood and life (of which I know very little), but when she tells me some one else's story about very personal parts of their lives, and then I hear her tell 3 or more other people the exact same story with little or no variation.... well, it grates on my nerves a little. And then she tells me the story again... Or I ask a question and she tells me some other vaguely related story, without actually answering the question... It's almost more than I can take.
However, tonight she's told me some stories from her childhood, and I feel like I know more about her now than I ever did before. And I do enjoy spending time with her, and talking to her. I just wish she would keep other people's stories to herself.

Anyways, random questions I saw today that I have no answer for but perhaps you may for yourself: What is your favourite piece of cutlery?

You have reminded us that the strength of a kingdom is not based on the strength of the king, but on the strength of its people.

2010-08-22T17:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I have now spent some time reconnecting with a friend who I hadn't seen since the summer of 2008 (I believe).

It was sorta interesting, because one of the first things we talked about was "what has changed" in our lives... but when two years have passed it's kinda hard to summarize what has changed. Not to mention the fact that before those two years we didn't really know much of each others lives anyways. I mean, this is someone that I would see for a week or two every summer. We've known each other since we were very tiny, but we barely knew each other. And now we were trying to "catch up".

But, even though in many ways we don't know each other, we feel perfectly comfortable together, considering we have been friends for as long as I can remember coming to visit my Yaya, and I've been visiting my Yaya every summer for as long as I can remember.

We watched this movie that I had never seen, called Quest for Camelot. I love it. It's not Disney, but it is shelved in my mind with Disney movies (basically, classic children's animated movies...).
While watching this movie I realised it would adapt really well into a play. You could get away with only having about 8 actors, and it already has so much dramatization and amazing songs. There is also the comic relief in there. I'm seriously considering bringing it to Ms Douglas as something we should do. If I got this to happen, it would make me insanely happy.

On a completely different note, I had a dream the other night that James Linklater, the president of the the Pemberton Rotary Club, told me that they had decided they could do the exchange with me, and that I was going off to whichever country of my choosing in two weeks. I had to choose what country, and come up with about $3000 in two weeks and it was extremely stressful and terrifying. And then I woke up.

I find myself doing a lot more thinking and reading here. The weather has been dreadful so I haven't really been able to enjoy the outdoors as much as I normally do, although I have managed to go on two small canoe trips so far.

The day after I get home I get to see my good friend Tanis who has been in Nicaragua this entire summer, which I am very excited for. I miss her! I don't even know how I get through the school year without her.... but summer is worse, because last summer I spent nearly every waking moment that both of us were in Pemberton together.

I want to go bathing suit shopping... the one I normally wear broke in Tofino, and I've had to make do with other ones so far and I don't like it! None of them fit as well as my old one did. :(

I wonder if other people have a better sense of who I am than I do. When people compliment me I am usually thinking something along the lines of "but they don't know what I'm actually like. If they did, they wouldn't say that".... which is terrible. I should just accept compliments. Of course, not all compliments make me think that. Obviously if someone is telling me they like my shirt I wouldn't be thinking that, that would be silly.

I wish I had brought my camera here. If I did, there would be many, many artistic pictures of nature and such. Because I am bored, and surrounded by beautiful forests and lakes and things that just amaze me with their simple beauty. So I would take photos of it as best as I can.

Speaking of which, I really wish that I was capable of just putting what I see onto some thing. For example, there are times when I would be going for a walk, and I'd stop and look at something, and to me it is amazing looking. So insanely beautiful and perfect. So I'd try to take a picture of it. However, when I look at the picture I can see none of the beauty that I saw with my eye. It would look like just a picture of a tree, or something like that. I can't really draw or paint, or at least not well enough to capture what I see. And it just makes me very frustrated sometimes, seeing something astounding and not being able to share it with the world because they cannot see through my eyes, and I cannot capture it through any medium that I try.

Ah. Well, I suppose that is enough disconnected rambling for one day. I guess nothing interesting enough has happened, or I have had no big enough topics in my mind to write one, proper, connected and sensical-making (if any of my posts are sensical making) post.

LL&FW

"Life's Not Fair" -LTR

2010-08-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

I have grown up as the younger child. Which means I was always under my brother's shadow, trying to be better and never quite succeeding. Leif was the baby who never cried, not even when he got hurt. I was the baby that never stopped crying. Leif was the darling first child, who said all sorts of very adorable and sometime deep things. He was clever and funny, and always inventing or building things.
He learnt to read early, and became very good at it quickly. By the time he was in kindergarten he was reading novels. Everyone was so impressed, and so proud of him. When I entered kindergarten everyone expected me to pick up reading just as quickly as he did. But I did not. I struggled. I hated it. In grade one I remember having one of those books you were supposed to take home and read to your parent. I was sitting on the couch beside my father, trying to read it to him, but I couldn't. There were symbols, the letters, on the pages that I couldn't understand. I recognized them all, I knew my alphabet. But I just couldn't figure out how the various letters put together make sounds that become a word. It was all just nonsense to me. I remember seeing the word "the", and being so relieved because here was a word that I knew, just from habit. That day I threw the book across the room in anger, and crying I yelled, "I'm never going to be able to read!"
Of course my dad comforted me and assured me that I would be able to read. And I did learn how, slowly and painfully. However, I was never quite as good as my brother. I felt like everyone was deeply disappointed in me, because I wasn't as good as him. I would do something, and they would praise me, but I could tell it was false, the praise you give to child to tell them that they are on the right track.
And that's how it always was. No matter what I did, Leif was always better. We would be playing imagination games, and I would come up with something I thought was really clever, and Leif would always be able to best it.
Anything I thought I could do well, I would look over to Leif and see that he had already done better than I ever would. It crushed me, every time.
As I got older it became more apparent to me that this was how it was. I think I tried to explain to my mom once, and she told me it was just because Leif was older, he knew more. But I didn't like that explanantion. And when we compared from what he was like when he was my age (whatever age I would be at the time), he was farther ahead.

Eventually it became more about the grades and school, and finally I found something I was better at than him. But when I really thought about it I realised it wasn't because I was better, it was because he just thought in a different way than the teachers expected, and taught. I was just more able to give what the teachers wanted.

I have always felt that I was lesser than him, and no one else seemed to see it. They always said that there are some things hes better at, and some I'm better at. What they never realised was that all the things I was "good" at, he was "great" at. And it hurt me.

Now, we seem to have finally come to a time when we are equal. The three (almost four) year difference no longer seems that big. And, to me, he still seems better. However, now it is I who am actually using things. While he has greater knowledge, greater skills, he does nothing with them, whereas I, who feels like as if my skills are nearly nonexistent or some other such thing, are using them for something. I am trying to make plans with my life, even if the thought terrifies me, and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. But I can start anywhere to get somewhere.

I really don't know what the point of this blog was. It reads as if I was leading up to something, and maybe will give the impression that I have finally bested him, or something like that, but that is not how I feel. It's just a thought that occurred to me today, that everything I did as a child was not good enough, in my opinion. And the only comparison I had was to my brother. I guess I just felt like sharing that belief with everyone. And watching my little cousins here I'm remembering all these things from childhood. Like how I, the younger sibling, did everything Leif did. If he wanted ice cream, I wanted ice cream. If he wanted to play with the ball, I wanted to play with ball, etc etc.
Again, it is the feeling of being wrapped up in nostalgia, because otherwise the only thing I can think of is the future, which is too daunting to be considered while on vacation.

Cry to Heaven

2010-08-20T14:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry sorry sorry I haven't been blogging! But I can't really help it. I am on vacation, and that means not using the computer.

I'm in Prince George right now (or more specifically, West Lake), visiting my Yaya. My two cousins are also here, and my aunt and other cousin will be arriving tomorrow I believe.

It's so strange being here for me. This is a place filled with the impressions of childhood, and I am currently inhabiting it on the brink of adulthood. As I grow closer and closer to the end of this age I am looking to the future. However, the future is dark and unknown, forcing me to look at the bright and colourful past. I am finding myself more and more fascinated by childhood pictures and am greatly enjoying reminiscing with friends about things hazy with time. I love hearing other people's take on the past, and wonder more and morea bout it. I guess that I am using it as an escape from thinking of the future.

In any case, this place is a huge reminder of the past. Here is a house that I only spend weeks in at a time, and always in summer. It is a vacationing spot, and so my memories are filled with light and warmth. I have never had an serious problems or worries here, as I might have at home. Every place I go here just reminds me of childhood.

This was always a place that inspired my imagination. I would spend hours making entire worlds out of the little things Yaya always has lying around, the little wooden elephants and tiny Krishna statues. The tall potted plants old worn books. Massive forts would be made, using all the cushions and blankets and chairs and tables. I would wander the multi-tiered deck, pretending I am a lost princess. I would walk barefoot through the overgrown bushes and trees to the lake, creating a story as I go. I would sit for hours where the stairs ended, leading to nothing, going nowhere, where no one could see me and just watch the light dance through the leaves onto the water. When it rained I would dance up and down the long stairs, make believing that I was a mermaid. Hours were spent splashing in the rocky shallows. I built a raft, gave it a sail and a flag, and anchor and carved into the wood it's name, the Explorer. With a old, moss covered paddle I would make my way deeper into the water, the "ship" barely holding me up. Books were devoured here, lounging on the sunny couches. I would tip toe into my Yaya's room, a not-quite-forbidden place, and look through her book shelf, filled with the past. I first read Heidi here, and I read the last Harry Potter here. I would flip through books and on the inside of the cover see my aunt's name, my fathers, my Yaya's.

And now I am here, no longer the child that I was. I watch my little cousins play games of the sort I never did, but so similar. I spend more time looking, watching, embracing the feeling of this house, this world. And I spend hours upon hours reading.

If there is one thing that has never changed from my childhood to know, it is books. And how much I love them. But even that has changed. I appreciate them in an entirely different manner. I read completely different books. And now there is less for me to borrow and read here. I am no longer interested in the childhood books, and the only ones left are massive, old novels, or text books and non fiction of the kind I care little for. But I guess I shouldn't be too surprised to come across "Reincarnation in the North American Indians" when looking for a simple but good novel to read with a grandma that is a Professor of Anthropology.

At least here there a heaps and heaps of old photos, from when Leif was a baby, from when I was a baby, from when my father was a baby. My cousins, as babies. Even some old, tattered black-and-whites from when my Yaya herself was a baby. And with my new interest in childhood photos, they are quite fascinating.

I have really run out of steam for this blog post now. I can't even remember what my original topic was, and I can't be bothered to just scroll up and check. So I will leave it here, and hope it satisfies for those who may have been missing my daily blogs.

I don't know if I'll be able to blog every day, so I won't make any commitments here. I doubt I'll be very busy, so that could mean two things: I am able to blog every day, or I have nothing to blog about.

Well, adios I suppose.

Today's Plans.

2010-08-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

Well, Sleep ended up winning last night. No friend-hang-out-time, unfortunately. But Sleep was very nice! I swear! My room was too hot, so I went outside and slept on the deck, with two warm blankets and a fan going, and the bright starts above me. It was very pretty, believe me. And I didn't get any mosquito bites! Although that was the point of the fan.

Now, I'm just forcing down a breakfast that is very delicious. It's only being forced because I am full but don't want to not finish it. So I'm making myself feel like vomiting just to enjoy the deliciousness. I've stopped now and its just sitting there, staring at me. I feel like an awful person for not finishing this breakfast.

Anyways. In just over an hour I will be at Pioneer Park in town, doing a bike check for Rotary. I have almost no idea what to expect, because I have, for some reason, been having difficulties getting in contact with Rotary recently. So all I know it that I'm going to show up. I haven't even been able to get anyone to help me, so it'll be just me from 3 till 7, doing a bike check. Blehhh I wish I was better organised. Maybe then I would know more about this. Oh well.

And after that, I have vague plans that probably won't happen. Because vague plans rarely happen. But still. Wait Wait Wait! It seems that these plans may indeed happen. Well, how exciting. I mean, they're still vague... just much less so!

And that is my day planned out!

I had a shower this morning and feel sooooo refreshed and amazing. And wearing shorts and a baggy tank top.... it's just fantastic.

Oh, and the other day Kathryn found this thing I had made when I was 10 or 12 out of some old jeans of mine. It was a sort of purse or wallet, a bit longer than a bill, but about that height. So yesterday during my lunch break I went to the fabric shop and bought a zipper, and this morning I hand sewed it on. So now I have this awesome looking new wallet. It's only jean material on the inside, the outside is this fabric with a crazy pattern, which was on the cuff of my jeans. So it just looks really cool, and I'm pretty proud of it. It's my new wallet! I transferred all my stuff today. :)

Love, Light & Flying Woozles!

To Go, Or Not To Go (ie Sleep)

2010-08-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

Right now I have two options.
Option A: Go to my good friend Shelby's going away party.
Option B: Sleep.

Normally, this wouldn't be a choice at all. The idea of sleep competing with Shelby's going away party would sound completely ridiculous. However, I am currently running on two hours of sleep so even ridiculous ideas seem clever.
I am very conflicted right now. On the one hand, I would feel like a complete asshole missing out on her party, because I promised her, and her cousin, and her cousin's boyfriend, that I would be there. And its her going away party. Shes moving to Kelowna. I will probably never see her. Shes leaving within the next couple days, and I'm not sure if I'll see her before she leaves if I don't go to this.
On the other hand, I reeeaaalllly need sleep. I dunno about you, but I find when I spend a full day doing things, then go drinking, then don't go to bed and walk home, sleep for a short period of time, then work all day... I get kinda tired. AND, when I did sleep, it wasn't even good sleep. It was two hours (from around 9 until 11) in the morning, in all my clothes, on piles of folded laundry in my hot room, with people walking around and talking the entire time, and the stove beeping loudly and insistently more often than not. And then I had to get up and go to work, where I had to pretend to be happy and chipper and not fall asleep on the till.
So, I'd say sleep is looking pretty good right now.

However, the entire time I've been writing this I've been talking to Montana, and we're making plans to go. So I guess I'm going. But I think we're only gonna be there for a couple hours, and I doubt I'll be drinking. So I'll probably be fine, and be able to handle it. But the minute I get home, I am passing out.

Soo yepp... I guess that's my dilenma solved. Go to the party, but only for a couple hours and don't party too hard, then come home and sleep. Yay compromise!

So, now I don't really have anything to talk about it. I guess that's it for today. Till tomorrow, chumps!

LL&FW

Lamest Post of Lame Town.

2010-08-12T22:54:00.000-07:00

Playland = not as exciting as I remembered it. But still fun. I think that pretty much sums it up. Yepppp..

In other news, my mom is home. Which is mostly nice. But she always seem to bring some strange level of stress.

Argentina! Ahhh it should happen. Because it would be beautiful. I informed my mom of this plan and she told me I wasn't allowed because I would get pregnant. Sooo I guess I can't go! Hahahah jokes.. not like my mom's permission actually means something for this. Like, I'd rather go with her permission and best wishes, but if she doesn't give it that's not going to stop me.

Hmmm... I don't think I have much to say today. I've leveled up to level 7 in D&D, which is pretty sick because level 8 is the highest a halfing can go.

There is an absolutely ginormous bug in our house right now... Like, as long as my pinky finger. Or so.

Anyways, I have to go play now, everyone's getting antsy so I guess I better go dungeon!

Hola Argentina!

2010-08-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

Well. I just spent a very enjoyable day in Whistler with Kathryn, mostly just wandering around and looking at various stuff. We went to this one art gallery that absolutely astounded me. There was so much fantastic stuff there. When I'm a rich adult I am going to fill my house with beautiful artwork. No, actually, better idea -- my house is in itself going to be a piece of beautiful art, filled with and surrounded by beautiful art. All of which is going to placed in some dramatically beautiful location, like a cliff on the side of the ocean, or in a jungle. It will beautiful and fantastic and me and Katryn will live there in perfectness.

Anyways, we also watched Inception, which was mind blowing. I mean, the ideas of the movie were interesting, all the filming and action and every thing was great, and it was an all around amazing movie... however, the ending was like... "what. No... what?" My only complaint was that they did not really develop a relationship between Ariadne and Arthur enough.... because I totally thought something was going to happen there, and it didn't, and it would have been really cute. But I guess there wasn't really much time for that to happen. I also discovered an actor I didn't really know before, but who is very beautiful (Tom Hardy... played Eames). Generally a good day.

Kathryn and I have decided that we would like to move to Argentina together for a year, most likely the year after we graduate. We figure probably from about mid August until about May. And maybe with Greer as well, although not so sure about that. This is something that I'm actually really interested in doing. I need to know if I am doing the Rotary Exchange, because if not, I am going to find some other way to travel and live in a entirely different country for a year. Living in Argentina with Kathryn is a very possible way to do this. It would just be amazing, I think.
We only just came up with this idea today, so we haven't yet worked out all the logistics of it, but we would go there, rent a place, get jobs, etc. I think we would start of in Buenos Aires, live there for a while and decide from there what else we want to do. We could go travelling all over Argentina, or we could just stay in Buenos Aires and sort of visit other places. I don't know. But this seems like something that we could actually do, and it would be so amazing. We would be a legal adults. It just seems a lot more less like a fantasy than the Rotary.
I do still desperately want to do the Rotary Exchange.. But I realize it might not be possible, and James is not really getting back to me about it. And just recently I've realized that it's not my only option. Before I was thinking sort of along the lines of "If I don't do the Exchange, there will be nothing to do." But there thousands, millions of ways I could get a similar experience without doing that exactly. Just because it's the best program doesn't mean its the only thing I could possibly do ever to travel. Just because it seems as if it's tailored to me, or me to it, does not mean that it would be the best thing for me.
So, Argentina with Kathryn for about 8 months or so seems like a deliriously amazing idea that I would love to do. And can do. And want to do.

I'd say that pretty much sums up my thoughts for the day.
<3

blehehehhehehhhh

2010-08-10T20:05:00.000-07:00

Hello.

I had my first ever dream about work last night. In it I was in bed, and leif kept on trying to get me out, but I refused, and then I looked at the clock and realised I was 5 or 6 hours late for work... I then woke up panicking, before realising that it was 2 hours before I had to be at work. So I went back to sleep... and in my dream then, I was at work and kept on making mistakes, and I was freaking out, but for some reason couldn't or didn't want to tell the managers. And it ended up looking like I had stolen from them, but it was just because I messed up a couple different orders and didn't tell them so they could fix it. And it was highly stressful.
And then I went to work and had a pleasant and rather uneventful day. How anti-climatic.

Now, I'm supposed to pack up some things to go camp out in my friends back yard for the night, with a couple other friends. Which should be exciting, except for the fact that I have no idea what to pack. Oh well, I'll figure it out.
This means I must bid the internet adieu for now and leave you with this really quite sad blog post. But hey, at least it's some sort of post!

(Really, summer is the worst time to do a blog every day. I am much too busy!)

My hair is still damp.

2010-08-09T17:40:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love the rain.

"Yes, well, that is quite interesting my dear keija-kins," you may say, "But what does that have to do with anything?"

Well, formal English-speaking blog, it has to do with the fact that, entirely because it was raining, I just took a very nice and rather long walk in which I contemplated a lot of things, sort of climbed a tree, and terrified a runner by dropping out of said tree unexpectedly. And if it had not been raining, I probably would have spent all that time inside the house, on the computer or reading... or reading on the computer.
Also, I just love the rain in general. The sound it makes on my roof, the atmosphere it creates, the complete beauty during and after. The so-jumpable puddles it creates. The smell that arises from it. The feeling of it slowly soaking into your clothes, your hair, your skin. The way it curls my hair (entirely different from a shower, or swimming). Basically, every thing about the rain I love. But summer downpour-esque rain is the best.

Anyways, I've been thinking about various things (all entirely about myself) and decided I desperately want a passion. Something that I am so interested in, and love doing. I don't really have anything like that. My emotions never get past "sorta interested in". And I don't like it. But I'm unsure how I can become passionate about something. I don't feel like this is something I can just decide, however if I've never been passionate about something this far into my life, how likely is it for something to turn up that I am suddenly passionate about? Not very, I think.
It almost seems entirely against my nature to be passionate about something. I have been described as laid back, chill, lazy, indecisive, and other such things, and this is all pretty much because I just don't care that much. People get angry at me for not choosing between two things, but it's usually because I actually just don't care. When I say "I don't know" it's usually a replacement for "I am perfectly happy with any of these options, so I really don't care, so it would probably be best for you to choose as you might have some preference that I don't know and might end up choosing what you don't like if I just choose randomly, which I would be doing if I was forced to choose." Or something along those lines.
Basically, I am content with almost anything. I don't see the point in over reacting to things, in getting very stressed, in creating drama, in being stuck in my opinions. All those things just seem completely pointless and a waste of effort. However, I seem to be doing the opposite in extremes, which is equally as pointless.

Okay, I think I've lost where I'm going with this. I had it all nicely worked out in my mind while I was sitting up a tree in the rain, but now that I'm actually writing it all down it no longer makes sense.
So I guess this would be a good point to end this.

blehblehbleh

2010-08-09T00:08:00.000-07:00

I just had an amazing evening for almost no reason. It was very casual and all those such of things, and then Kathryn and I decided to go for a bike ride. We went to the Petro, bought a three chocolate sundae, and went to sit on ol Bessie and we just talked about all sorts of things, like personalities and semi-philosophical questions and coming of age. And then we biked home, continuing our conversation. I greatly enjoyed that whole feeling, on an averagely but not uncomfortably warm night, conversing over interesting topics. The type of conversations where she states some feeling or thought and I question some parts or add on to parts, and vice versa, until we are completely agreeing about everything and just fine tuning these ideas. Twas really just perfect in pretty much every manner. I love how well Kathryn and I are together. Almost any idea I bring up she gets instantly, and is able to expand upon, and it is the same opposite.
And that is pretty much the only interesting thing that happened today. And unfortunately I am about 12 minutes late for this post, but if I just do another one tomorrow I don't think it will matter that much, because my day is until I fall asleep, not until 12. So hah.

"do you think there's a book of statements?"
"yeah, it's called the bible"

boo!

2010-08-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

yesterday there was flood-esque fears. I was at a party, rather sloshed, so I was going between not caring and caring waaaayyy too much and over exaggerating the problem. Which was pretty much non-existent.

However, I am no on my way to darcy and must leave the internet. and I'm missing a dungeon!
so I must go.

eclectic is my middle name for sure.

2010-08-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

Oh the things my Harry Potter-obsessed, fanfic-reading 12 year old mind creates...
"Lily Evans' best friend, Emilia Fatum, is forced to hang out with James, Remus, Sirius and Peter as Lily and James' relationshpi develops. Emilia harbours a bit more than a crush on Sirius, and discoveres that he returns her feelings. The are unsure how the others will react to their relationship and keep it a secret. But Lily has started noticing some strange things. Will what she uncovers tear their friendship apart? What will happen to Emilia and Sirius?"
ahahahahhaa!
I am really grateful I never ended up writing the story, just the blurb-esque summary.

some other story I created when I was probably about ten and never finished:
"She stumbled through the mist, devoid of her memory, lost to the intricate and ever-changing patterns that swirled around her. She slipped n a rock and banged her hear, remembering only her name before darkness enclosed her. A dream, or a nightmare, ever changing like mist swirled in her head. "

Man. I have so many stories that I never quite finished. I believe I have only one story that I ever concluded, and that was with the main character's death.

Anyways, after a 2 hour nap, I return to this post with absolutely no memory of what I was originally going to write.

I just finished a really good book. It's called "The God of Small Things" by Arundhati Roy and it is super duper fantastic.

In other news, I got an evacuation alert today, but I don't think anything will come of it. Apparently there was a rock slide somewhere far up the valley (from Mt Meager) and it may cause flooding in town. But I think I will be fine.

Tonight I'm going to a party in Mt Currie and I don't know how I'm getting home. So this should be fun! And on that note, I am expected in my bed room to dress up and look pretty so that I can bike and get sweaty so that I can go to this party.. Oh, the things I do for a good time.

I hope this is an adequate blog.. I've been finding it much more difficult to blog every day this time than it was in the past. Anyways, sleep well world. Please don't flood my home.
Love, Light & Flying Woozles

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer.

2010-08-05T13:56:00.000-07:00

hmm.. Perfume. To be honest, I've never really liked perfume that much. And though I have a lot of it (christmas presents) I never really remember to wear it. However, there is one movie that could absolutely make me want to wear it. Or at least have some sort of beautiful scent. Actually, this entire movie is just so amazing and beautiful, and the details... I love it. It's definitely one of my favourite movies. Nonexistent reader, if you haven't seen this, you definitely should. It's just fantastic.
I spent almost all of yesterday in Whistler.. from around 1 to 1. It was pretty great. Hanging out with two of my best friends, wandering around and such. Bought a beautiful pair of yellow shorts. And then later walked to Lost Lake, before realising that the movie was no longer at Lost Lake and walking all the way back to see it. And we saw this giant green lazer. just a generally good time.
I've been noticing that a lot of adventures of mine have involved walking recently. For example, the other night Kathryn and I were at her house, and we went to visit our friend Breeanne, and decided to walk home after instead of getting her dad to drive us. We had a good walk, got scared by a train, and were stoked to be back at her house to go inside and and just watch tv and eat. Unfortunately, the front door was locked. So we tried the side door, which was also locked. As was every other door that we tried. We ended up having to walk to a neighbour's house (which we are pretty sure was one of our coworker's) to call her dad (there was no cell service) so he could come and unlock the door. It was pretty ridiculous, but we ended up walking a lot. And there was some other time we had to walk a lot, but that's probably enough stories.
I feel like the summer is winding down, and I don't want it to. This has been one of the best summers I've had so far.

future, time, summer, friends... happiness?

2010-08-03T15:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I spent at a friend's house, and this morning I hugged her goodbye. This is the future, and I hate it. When friends move away (or something) I seem to make new ones.. however, for some reason I have this magic ability to make friends with people who are moving away sometime in the near future. So basically, almost all of my friends leave. Luckily, most of them don't leave forever, and I see them fairly regularly. But the cause of their leaving forces me to think about my future, and I hate it. Everyone I know is making their life plans, and moving up and on in the world. Even though I have one year left of school I feel like I have to have my entire life planned out, and I really do not. I have vague ideas of things that I want to do, but that is not satisfactory. Basically, I'm feeling a little lost and like the world is moving forwards just a little bit to fast for my liking.
I had a whole rant about the school system to add on to this, but at the moment I'm just not feeling it, so I suppose I'll hold that on till some other day.

Tonight, after work Kathryn and I are going to hang out with a friend of ours, someone I haven't seen in over 6 years. In grade 3 she was my best friend, and grade 4 and 5 we were still pretty close, though drifting apart a little, and then she moved away and I haven't seen her since, but tonight I am going to her birthday party. suppper stoked! I love remeeting people!
And tomorrow I'm going to watch one of my favourite movies on a big screen by Lost Lake with a bunch of friends, and I'm going to get to meet someone that a friend has been raving about for the past week. And there's free jiffy pop.
And Thursday I'm hanging out with Attila, which should be fun cause I haven't seen him since prom. So basically this week is pretty much filled with awesome.
I also feel like I'm doing something friday but I can't remember. And Saturday is a big party out in mt currie I think.
:)

Time just goes by way to fast for me to handle sometime.

I am drinking absolutely delicious orange juice right now.

Oh, and since tomorrow I'm going straight from hanging out with long lost friend to movie ness in whistler and apparently I won't be back from that until late, it is very unlikely that I will be able to blog. However, I will do my best!

LL&FW

Sky of Blue, Sea of Green

2010-08-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

Oops! I missed the first day of BEDA (Blog Every Day August)... Well, I have an excuse!
Yesterday I woke up at two in the afternoon because I had gone to bed at around 8 in the morning to my doorbell ringing. I'm sureif there had been no doorbell ringing I would have slept in much later. Anyways, I answer the door and a friend is there and from that point onwards the most time I spent on the computer was probably about 5 minutes to research one thing or another. There were people over, and just generally stuff happening that made it so I could not write a blog post. However, while I was lying half asleep on the couch in the afternoon, wishing for a short nap but being mostly unable to get one because of the people all around, I came up with a thought of what I would write about if I were writing a blog post at that exact moment. So I will share this thought with you.

When I was probably about 10 years old my mom and Ian took me (as well as Leif and Cameron) on a short road trip to go to this Solstice party somewhere in the Stein valley. It took us a long time to get there, as we kept on getting lost, or driving off and going on little adventures, but we did end up at the party sometime in the early evening. And it was quite the party. A family agreed to use their land for it, and they owned many, many acres. Hippies from all over BC came to this party. There were people everywhere, doing all sorts of things. It was very crazy, especially for a 10 year old. And the craziest thing was, everyone seemed to know each other. Most people who were there had gone to this party every year that it had existed, and despite the large amount of people who were there this was this great air of familiarity to it all. So after that evening (and night) of wandering around this place, meeting new people and generally having a good time, we all went to bed. We had only brought one tent, for the kids to share, with mom and Ian sleeping in the car. So Leif Cam and I all squeezed into this tent and slept, fairly well as I recall. In the morning I was awoken by the sound of a tuba. At first this noise startled me, but once I realised what it was I laid back down and in my still-sleepy state just stared at the light coming through the tent and casting a bluish tint to everything inside and imagined this tuba player. He (for I always imagined him as a 'he') was playing the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine", and playing it quite well, in my opinion. At the time all I knew of thee Yellow Submarine was the chorus, so I would hum along with the rest and when the chorus came around I would sing loudly, as if to make up for the parts that I did not sing. And in my mind I saw this man, of average height playing a shiny golden tuba, his face red and bright with the effort but his eyes smiling and happy. He would be standing in a small field with a gentle wind blowing around his ankles, stirring up the grasses, and a forest in the background. He would be surrounded by tumbling hills covered in trees and the sun would be shining down on him. That wonderful, early morning bright but weak sun. I could picture this so strongly in my mind I almost forgot that I never actually saw the tuba-playing man, only heard him from inside my tent far from where he was. He played the song a couple times over, and by the time he finished nearly everyone had woken up. Leif and Cam got up and we went down to the giant fire, where breakfast was being prepared. The start of a new day at this Solstice party deep in hidden valleys that all sorts of people from all sorts of places with all sorts of ages went to.

So that is my story, a random and really quite short memory (though it looks much longer to read...). Hopefully I will be a lot more on track for the rest of BEDA.

Apparently, post #101

2010-07-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

This s just going to be a very short reminder... August 27th, 2010, a night of interest to few. A Tuesday even, after work when you're just too exhausted to want to do anything. A day so hot that nighttime is no relief; it instead continues to stifle you, compressing your soul. Or something like that. And, pretty much because you have a friend like Kathryn, it turns from a night of reading, listening to music, and wearing as little clothing as decently possible to a party night, filled with interesting adventures and very few females, where clothing is really optional and sweat the scent everyone wears (dance parties in close quarters probably isn't a good idea when you can work up a sweat just shifting position on the couch).
Nyckeija dear, I doubt you will forget that night, however it may not stand out from all the other awesome and interesting nights you've had this summer. So this me (and you) taking advantage of this blog to remind you, forever. This is probably the reason people have diaries, but I like the feel of a blog better. Notebooks are good, and very useful, however I have always felt unable to use them as "diaries" and a blog format seems to work so much better. Also, I like knowing people may read this, so I have to edit what I say at least a little, and not pour all my feelings out. You remember what happened to Ginny Weasley when she did that. She got possessed by Voldemort, and so we shall not do that, shall we, me?
Anyways, purpose of this post has been expressed.

oh, and apparently I have now written over 100 posts! and it only took me like 2 years..

LL&FW!

hello, smothering heat of a pemby summer...

2010-07-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

hah hahaha ha.. oh, blogging. I am so inconsistent at you. But that's okay! Because it's summer! And during summer I'm allowed to not have any obligations of any kind at all! Or something like that.
So... I think it was still school time when I last bloooged.. which makes me feel like I must inform those (nonexistent) readers about what has happened in my life since. But half of what has happened I don't want to make public, and the other half probs isn't interesting. And I have no rants or ramblings for the moment. I guess I could just summarize my summer so far.
To start with, I guess I could inform the public of the result of that very hard year of procrastion cough cough school work. Considering they went through all the ups and downs (specifically the downs...) and listened to me moan about not wanting to write this or that essay. They deserve to see the final result! Or something. Well, here it is:

Bio 11- 68% with a C+ on the final exam
Chem 11- 77% C+ on final
Comp Civ 12- 80%
English 11- 89% A on final
French 11- 84% B on final
Law 12- 68%
Math11- 63% C- on final
SS 11- 84%

which means my grade average is 76.6%.... pretty sad I must say. But I think it fairly represents my skills. Interestingly, I got the most out of Civ, Law and Socials.. and I didn't really get best marks in those, especially Law.

Hopefully, what I'm doing next year is:
a- peer tutoring
b- french 12 (online because they don't offer it at our welfare school)
c- bio 12
d- creative writing

a-english 12
b- theatre 12
c-history 12
d-spare

yep yep! no more silly math for me :)

This summer has been pretty fantastic so far, I believe. Kathryn is living with me for most of it, and at the beginning I had some hesitations, thinking we might get tired of each other or some silly thing like that, but it's been working out pretty fantastical. We haven't fought about a single thing. The only sort of disagreements are between us and Leif, or some tension between her and mom. She also sorta forces me to be more social, which is pretty good. I end up hanging out with people and having lots of fun at times when, if on my own, I would probably be at home reading or on the computer. So very good.
We've also started playing Dungeons & Dragons, which is a lot more amusing than I ever thought it could possibly be. My character is a level three Halfling named Gertrude or "Gertie", who wears a a Curséd Ring that makes her evil. She also has an Egg of Wonder, which will hatch an impressive animal that will be under her control for I think three rounds. Or something like that. All this probably sounds really lame and stuipd to the casual reader, but these games are actually sooo much fun. And I've become much better friends with the Millers, and Nathaniel... There was a week where almost any moment that I wasn't working I was spending at the Millers, along with a bunch of other people. And I made the most amazing cake ever. As soon as the pictures are on a computer, I will put them on this blog. It was a 7 layer angel food rainbow cake with a t rex and pacman in icing on the outside, in the shape of a heart. I also was able to spend a lot of time with Greer, who I almost never see, so that was good. I stayed at her new house in North Van for a bit with Kathryn and we had generally fantastic times.
And then, right after getting back from Greer's, I went to Tofino (or, Long Beach.. Or, if we're getting really specific, Green Point) with the Reads and spent a week there. I only just got back today. It was super duper awesome. I got to spend as part of the trio, a trio that hasn't really existed since grade six; Joanna, Maddie S., and Me. And I got tanned... and stared at beautiful male specimens, and drank wine from the bottle, got sand in everything, went swimming in the ocean, enjoyed huuuuge fires, met new people, ate lots of sea food, got burnt, got multiple songs stuck in my head... it was generally a good time. However, I must say Maddie sorta holds me and Joanna back in some ways. At times that we wanted to just sit down and not really do much, enjoying the sun, she was always moving around and wanting to do things. At times when we wanted to drink, meet new people and stay out late she wanted to sleep and was very socially awkward. So it was very interesting.
I love that Joanna introduces me to new music all the time.. stuff I would never hear otherwise, but really like.
And then theres some emotional stuff... like this one person who I can no longer decide how I feel about... I've gone through many different feelings so far, so now I'm just gonna not really think about it or analyse it (because I do that too much) and hope that the future will resolve things. I feel like everything about everything is very open ended right now.
Oh, and I emailed James, the head of Pemberton Rotary, a very pretty little letter about the exchange, and he hasn't really said much about it yet, but I ran into him in town one day and he said it wasn't completely impossible but they're still discussing if it can be done. money is the big issue of course. I just want them to decide, yes or no! cause if it's yes I can get going planning it, and if it's no I can email the head of the whole district and see if there is a different club that can sponsor me, and it's very good to do that within the next 2 months, because otherwise any other people will have already talked to her and I REALLLLLLY want to do it, and will do nearly anything to make it happen, so I need to know if I have to talk to her or not! Argghhh!!! And I get the feeling Pemberton might not be up to it, so I want them to just come out and say it so I can get along with doing it some other way.
Anyways.

That basically sums up my summer so far. Oh, and lots of working in between. And a weekend of Dragon Boat which ended with me having two gold medals. :D

So now you are all filled in on my life! Well, as close as someone could get filled in based on what I choose to right about in my blog.

A Love For the Human Thesaurus

2010-06-20T17:26:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been feeling like life is leading up to something, or that there's a theme to certain moments. It will start slowly, perhaps something I hear or read in media, or something someone mentions. I guess at this point the idea is put into my head (probably subconsciously) and there it expands. Soon I start consciously thinking about it, and it tends to dominate my thoughts. And, lately, I feel like this thought stays with me until it is manifested externally somehow. The thought could be absolutely anything, which becomes the theme for a period of my life. Usually this theme is something fairly obvious and I don't question it at all (like something school related). However sometime it is something different. This could, of course, all just be supposition, me putting a thought in where there isn't necessarily one. The same as learning a new word and then reading it everywhere, or hearing a song on the radio and then hearing it everywhere else. Your mind identifies something and then suddenly recognizes it in places where it might otherwise be over looked. However, there are some instances where this does not seem to be happening. And then I do not know what it could be except this "theme". It is not really something I have ever noticed before this year. It's very curious and interesting because to me life has always just been a continual thing that happens, going forwards with only the direction you give it and no proper plan. Nothing like a book. But if I am feeling a theme to things, it means that either this is not what is happening or I don't know.. I am giving significance to things that don't need significance. Frankly I don't think either of those things are happening. It's different than both of that. It's sorta like foreshadowing, or something of that sort.

I don't even know.

2010-06-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was this girl, who thought she was terrible at everything. All her friends and family tried to convince her otherwise, but she always thought they were just trying to make her feel better and were only saying that because she was their friend; she did not believe what they said. She continually produced things that would astound people, but all she could say was "not good enough."
Finally one day she got tired of always feeling inadequate and like her family and friends would praise anything she did, even if it was terrible. So she decided to run away, because obviously that solves everything. Perfectionist that she was, she researched many things before leaving her home, and told no one of her plans. The night of her departure she got out her prepacked suitcase and tiptoed into the kitchen. There she placed a brief note on the fridge, saying only that she would be safe, and that she loved all her family. She stopped and looked around her house before slipping out the door, getting on her bike and making her way to the big city, where new destination. Upon arrival at this city, at an ungodly hour of the morning, she decided to take a tour while all sane people were sleeping. The more she biked around her new home the more she fell in love with it, and as the sun rose over the glistening chrome buildings a single tear rolled down each cheek, one for the home she left and one for the home she found. That morning she made her way to an address she had previously written down and knocked at a door on the third floor of an elderly apartment. A young lady opened the door, wearing less clothing than seemed decent to the girl. After inquiring politely the girl discovered that the place she wanted to rent was really just a room and attached bathroom in this woman's apartment. They would share living space and a kitchen. The girl was a little taken aback, but after inspecting the room accepted the proposal and quickly organised her scant possesions into her new room. Really, for a small place it was lucky that she was to have her own bathroom at all. Relatively pleased, she walked into the main room to become better acquanited with her new roommate. However, when she walked out there was no one there. Shrugging, the girl decided to once again roam the city before beginning her job hunt. As she wandered she once again became overwhelmed with the random beauty that could be found in her urban surroundings, a certain feeling that was completely lacking in her old home. All the people, rushing around in their lives, the wild feel of concrete and overflowing dumpsters. It was not something that could be found just anywhere and the girl was dying to try and capture that sensation. She hurried back to her new abode and got out all her supplies, setting herself up in a nearby alley way. She sat in that deserted nook for hours, sketching all that she saw. Almost an entire sketchbook was filled in that first day, and though she never did end up going job hunting, she felt that her first day in the city was not a failure. She had plenty of drawings to expand on and a place to sleep comfortably. The next morning, she promised herself, the real job hunt would begin. In the morning as she drank the badly made coffee and wondered at the lack of a reappearance of her roommate, she flipped the adverts in the local newspaper and circled all the interesting or relevant ones. Realising she had no phone, no resume, and no references, she decided to go to each place and ask for a direct interview, hoping that would be sufficient.

Family Rant -- the kind you dont really want to read, because it was only written to get these feelings off my chest.

2010-05-31T22:40:00.000-07:00

I am so dissatisfied with my family. They are so useless. Maybe this is just put in perspective by comparison to last night, but I really feel like my family is completely useless. Okay, so, last night I decided to make dinner, because I brought home a 3 lb chicken from work for basically free. But of course I cannot cook in an unclean kitchen, so first I organised the whole kitchen and then did one round of dishes (which was everything but a couple pots and pans). I then made put the chicken in the oven, and prepared the rice. Because I had about an hour to wait before it was ready, and because I had been meaning to for awhile, I decided to make banana bread in the meantime. It was really an amazing batch too. As well as chocolate chips there were crushed walnuts and toffee bits, and a crumbly brown sugar topping. So basically I cleaned the kitchen and made my family and amazing dinner and dessert (enough to last the week, actually). Of course, they all thanked me for it... but no one cleaned up after it. In fact, the plates are still sitting on the table.
Today when I got home from school (about an hour or so late, because I stayed behind to try and catch up on homework) they were watching a movie, so I of course joined them, even though I had more homework to do. Then they started another movie, one that I had wanted to see for a large amount of time but never really got around to it (Donnie Darko, in case you were wondering). And now they are currently watching another movie. When I inquired about dinner both my brother and my mom said they weren't really interested in it. Apparently, I am the only one interested in dinner. When I said that I was, my mom looked at me surprised, saying but you've been eating all day! I have been snacking on banana bread, because I am hungry and it was a way to sustain myself until a real meal. How does she not realise that. And speaking of not really wanting to make dinner.... She is currently the provider for this family, and that role includes feeding her children. This is a basic survival trait, and she seems incapable! Or at least unwilling. Oh, okay, just because she isn't really hungry (and she never is) and because she is feeling lazy today she doesn't have to cook dinner. Which means I have to cook for myself. And normally I would just go ahead and do that, but there isn't really any food in my house currently that I can just cook. Especially not for one person. We don't even have milk, so I cant just have cereal. And I am getting really tired of eating banana bread, considering that is all I have eaten today. By the time we had this conversation it was too late to go to either grocery store.... And no one in my family seems particularly concerned about this.
To be honest, there have been plenty (and I mean plenty) of nights where I have not eaten until very late, or not had dinner at all, and sported the exact same attitude as them. I'm not sure what it is about today that makes me want my mother to make me dinner so badly. Maybe because all I've eaten in banana bread, or maybe because I put so much effort towards kitchen-ey things last night. I don't know why. Maybe I am just having crazy spirals of emotions. Really right now all I want to do is go run in the darkness until I am completely lost, and then cry. Completely empty myself all feeling via the outpouring of tears. And then have someone I trust completely find me and hug me so that I know that I am not alone, and whatever I am feeling will pass and I am loved and blah blah blah..... I don't know. Rain is also the picturesque addition to this little scenario. But really, this crying thing is the closest to happening. And I know then my family would comfort me, and I would hate them for it, and for their pity. This has been happening more and more often. I guess my hormones are really getting crazy in a way they never did in the past. Maybe its stress from the end of the year coming up, seeing all these friends and people I am used to seeing all the time, and my last stepbrother, graduate, and knowing that next year it will be me, and how badly I want school to be over but how utterly unprepared I am to graduate. I have no idea what to do with my life, how I am I supposed to be able to decide by this time next year.....
In any case, these are the feelings I am having currently. Now I should really just go write my Lord of the Flies essay, which is multiple months over due, and a whole nother rant. Like, I could probably write a book about that essay (which I feel incapable of doing). Anyways. I should go. Even though its extremely therapeutic to blog about all these tumultuous feelings. It has definitely helped me. Maybe now I'll be able to deal with it. Or just go cry quietly in my bed. You never know.

UPDATE: I just went into the living room and started crying into the couch because of my homework, and at first it was exactly the feeling that Ièd get from them and hate, but then mom started acting more like how a mom should, and telling me it was her fault because she didnèt make me dinner, and I had made such a nice dinner last night, and how about she make me some good chicken soup, and then help me write my essay. exactly what a mom is for. As much as my family can sometimes be useless, I can sometime be over dramatic, and they can sometimes be exactly what I need to cheer me up. Now Ièm going to go eat my soup and finaly get this fucking essay over with. Even though I really donèt feel like I can do it. I will force it out, and even if it it the worst piece of writing I have ever done (which is the state its at currently...) ms sobchak will be so happy to finally get it in she wonèt even care. Or at least thats what I hope.

p.s. I got 40 out of 40 on my WWI essay that I recently handed in late, and 28 out of 30 on my novel study project (also late) and like 90% on a socials opinion paragraph that I didnèt actually state an opinion on.... which has made me generally happy and starting to loose my doubts on my writing capabilities. so thats good. I just need to hand things in on time. bleh.

final words.

2010-05-17T21:28:00.000-07:00

"Sounds of a San Juan night, drifting across the city through layers of humid air; sounds of life and movement, people getting ready and people giving up, the sound of hope and the sound of hanging on, and behind them all, the quiet, deadly tixkinf of a thousand hungry clocks, the lonely sound of time passing in the long Caribbean night."

This is the last line of the book I just finished, The Rum Diary by Hunter S Thompson. it really resonated with me.. I'm not sure why. but I like it. Especially because I love the last snetences of a piece of writing. it is incredibly important and should leave the reader with the overall feeling of the writing. most books don't really do that. they conclude the book and end, and the final sentence has just barely more significance than any other. but this sentence was perfect for the entire novel and i just really, really enjoyed it.

i hate when i have burns on my fingers that make typing feel like dipping body parts in huge vats of scorpians that are on fire.

2010-05-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

you ever notice how rapper's songs are basically about how much yhrit life suckdz? also, I don't want to use 4 out of the 5 fingers on my letf hand, and am too lazy to fix all the msitakes, so i apologize for messy writing.
anywyas, I was jusr browsing youube and thought of thar.
also, i feel dissatisfied witht hthe world right now. not my life in psrticular, i'm mostly happy with my life, but with the world. or the universe. i just feel like its going nowehre and is a big pointless mess. yes, the universe is a mess. thst is my opinion. adn I don't like it. i just don't undestand it.
and, i hate how i xan't correlate my 'big idea' thoughts with day to day life. its like there are two ways to look at it, and one fits inside the other, but you cannot look at them at the same time. its looking at wither one or the other.
so thats my thoughts for right now.
also, i have to write an essay thats due tomorrow about how much control someone has over their life. bleh esssays.

Dictionary Definition and Everything.

2010-05-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

regret. what is regret?
according to dictionary.com it is

–verb (used with object)

1.to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.

2.to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.

–noun

3.a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

4.a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

5.regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets.

6.a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and one regret.

these are all pretty apt desciptions. For me regret is usually a feeling of wishing something hadn't happened, or that it had happened in a different way. Usually when I feel regret it is in association of some action that I have done, or decision I have made, as it is a little hard to regret things that I cannot control. And of course there's shopper's remorse, wishing that you hadn't bought something. I get that a lot, because I am really bad at shopping. I usually end up buying at least one thing that either I don't really want, that was too expensive or that I wish I had tried on first because it fits wierdly, or any other reason. This is a feeling I'm used to, and I usually manage to forget it.

Other than shopping, I feel regret most often with things I have said. I often feel like I'm just not good at talking to people, and sometime I'll look back on a conversation and think that I sound like an idiot.

More than I ever feel regret for things that I do, I feel regret for things I didn't do. I usually make pretty good decisions, and there have been very few things in my life that I regret, if any. But I often wish that I had done something when there was a chance for me to, and I just did not take it. However, I am getting better at this and haven't really felt that in awhile.

And then there are the things that, looking back on, I feel like I should regret, but I do not. Maybe they are mistakes I've made, things that I could do without having happened... but I don't actually regret them. Sure, maybe I wish that they are never talked about, or that nobody knows about them. But regret? Doesn't exist.

It's very hard for me to explain this feeling, because these things that, when I think reasonably about, I feel like I should regret. But I don't. Of course, there is a myriad of other feelings that are similar to regret, but not regret itself.

In any case, I don't feel regret that often, and when I do it is usually about shopping. So I'd have to say that my life must be going pretty well. Or maybe I just don't care. Could go either way here...

this makes no sense.

2010-05-10T23:56:00.000-07:00

Hello world. I think I am currently counted as a minor alcoholic. Or maybe a minor binge drinker. Except that when I do not depend on drink, nor do I always drink to excess when I do drink. Maybe I just drink a lot more than I did this time last year. Either way, right now I am minorly tipsy. Which probably shouldn't happen, seeing as it is a monday night before school.
There was something like actually purposeful that I was planning on writing, but now I just cannot remember.
Earlier today I was thinking really optimistic and generally happy thoughts, and some really profound things. I hate that I can't remember what they were.
hah my friend called these 3 girls at my school iceland. Why? because 'nobody actually cares about them, except when they spout huge amounts of volcanic ash so nobody can breathe'. I was very amused.
I watched a lot of movies during the past weekend.... most of them were good, so I can't complain.
I need to sleep more. Right now is not helping that....
my house is clean right now, I like that.
bleh... my mom is so aggrevating for the smallest stupidest reasons.
tarot is fun... it can be so truthful.
I feel like an awesome person.
so many thoughts on my mind recently, but no way to express them all in writing. too much to say, too little to say, no words to say... maybe I'll write something actually nice about it. or just go to bed and sleep. that seems like a valid plan as well...

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

2010-05-08T10:03:00.000-07:00

I've always thought of myself as a good person, with the right morals and values who is open to everyone/everything and will not judge. But I know that I have some prejuideces, and that I am always judging people. I hate it, but I do it anway.
Whenever I see someone, no matter if I know them or not, I instantly judge them. Usually this only lasts for half a second and I don't remember it afterwards, but I always get that flash of judgement upon first sight.
The world we live in everyone is so uptight about their rights and equality, and being nonjudgemental, and I completely agree with all of that (to an extent). I tend to pride myself on my openness and such buttt... I still tend to judge.
I often feel superior to countries without knowing anything about them because of my country (I suppose thats just pride...), and often time I feel superior to people because of various knowledge that I have and they may or may not. Or sometimes just because of my background I feel like I should be able to do something instead of someone even if they may have more actual talent for whatever thing.
I hate knowing that I am prejudiced but continuing to be that way.
I think the only way I can change this is to expose myself to as many different things as I possible can, and as many different aspects of people. And I want to do this. But I sometimes feel trapped here. I don't want to be trapped here. As soon as I graduate I have to leave, otherwise I never will. I will end up with my brother, doing some job I hate and sitting at home feeling old and useless. I need to either travel right away, or go to university. If I postpone anything than nothing will get done and I will be stuck here forever. I know this based on a observing what my brother has done, and knowing the way I am. Unless I change drastically between now and graduation, if I don't do something right away it will probably take years (large scale procrastination) for me to do anything. And I want to do things.
I'm sort of afraid that travelling might empty me. I've been reading Hunter S. Thompson, and the way some of his books are... it's like living the life that some people dream of, the idea of fully living life while you're young, and travelling everywhere, etc, leaves you feeling like a used shell, with no real home or roots to tie you down. Like in H2G2 when the idea of everyone having a line to connect them to their home... and the more and further you travel the more this line gets stretched out all over the place, and if your home is destroyed you lose this line forever. Something like that anyways. I don't want that to happen. I want to travel everywhere and see everything and have thousands of new experiences... but I don't want to lose who I am (even though I barely know who that is currently) and I want to be able, after all of it, to come home and just be.
This post was started at about 6:00 last night, has been written throughout the entire night and completed (if it is complete...) this morning. It really changes topic halfway through and just doesn't make tons of sense. But thats okay, I will forgive it.

Thoughts!

2010-05-03T21:23:00.000-07:00

Theres a lot on my mind currently....

First off, I think my Blog More Often in April was fairly successful. I have a lot more blog posts for April than any other month in my blogging career, sooo... yepp.

RYLA has started me thinking about more global awareness, and other opportunities that I can take advantage of because of my involvement in Rotary (Interact). And project I can possible dream of I will have the support of the Rotary community to do. That is a huge confidence boost as previously I would think that I couldn't possibly do a big project like all the ones I hear about. But really all I need to do is start, and commit to it, and I will have the backing and everything to get it going.
Which has made me think of what issues I consider important and what sort of project I would want to start. The ones that I can think of are: literacy problems. Books have always been a huuuuge part of my life, and some people never have the opportunity to have that influence, and also are not able to utilize resources to learn about things, because they cannot read (or cannot read well). The other issue is more about bullying and confidence within schools/with teenagers. I have never really had a problem with bulling, but the occasional comment I get makes me feel soo down, I cannot imagine having to deal with that every day. Confidence is just something everybody should have, because it makes them feel so much better. About everything. Another issue is gay/lesbien/transexual/whatnot... because although I have grown up in a family that is completely open and I would never have a problem with any of this, I hear stories all the time about the intolerance some people have. I don't understand why people can be so negative and against what is someone's completely personal choice. If it is a choice. In any case, I think just spreading awareness and information will mostly get rid of this issue.

The other thing that RYLA has made me think about is an exchange. They do these youth exchanges, where one student goes to live for a year in a different country, and a student from that country comes to live in Canada.
It's too late for me to do this for my grade 12 year, but I could still do it the year after I graduate because my birthday is in September and therefore I will still be in the age requirements.
I would love to do this so much. Travel is on the very top of the list of thing I want to do in m life, as is learn new languages and cultures. Living somewhere for a year is the ideal way to do it, and if I do it through Rotary I won't have to deal with planning it all (which is where I admittedly fall behind). The overall cost would be about $3000, which is really cheap for an entire year. I've seen that price in some programs for 2 weeks. So that is something I am really interested in. I don't know how I'm going to choose a country though! There are so many I'd want to go to! I'm thinking either Brazil, India, Spain, Germany or Belgium.. but I really can't decide!

I've also had clothes on my mind recently. That may seem like a pretty boring and typical subject, but I don't normally think about clothes that often. However, because of spring/summer weather I've been thinking about spring/summer clothing which has got me thinking about clothing in general. I've been looking at vintage clothing a lot. I really love vintage clothing. If I could... oh the clothes I would own. However, I haven't been shopping in nearly two years, and all the clothes I own are either hand me downs, from the second-hand store, or birthday/christmas presents. So basically, I really want to go shopping. And get some beautiful new clothing. If I lived in the city I'd probably be poor because I'd go shopping allllll the time.

And finally, I've been thinking about homework. Why? Because I suck. At getting it done. And I really need to. And this blog is just postponing doing it, yet again. Hmm.

Theres been other things on my mind, but those are the most predominant.

I'd also just like to say that I absolutely adore my friends. At RYLA many people said how they don't feel like they can have 'real' conversations with their friends, and when I thought about theres probably only 2 friends I haven't had real conversations with, and I don't really count those people as friends. Also, my friends do the most ridiculous things with me, and we always have fun. It makes me insanely happy.

Love, Light and Flying Woozles.

H20

2010-04-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

I really like water. I don't know for sure why, but I am always drawn towards water. It could be because I grew up playing in the shallows of rivers as my father rafted down them, it could be because my grandparents live on an island in the ocean. It could be because my mom drank a lot of water when she was pregnant. I really don't know. But in any case, I really like water. I love how it feels hot and cold, even lukewarm. I love over all my body or just splashed on to my face.
Swimming for me is probably the best 'sport' that has ever existed. I don't know if I would call it a sport, as I don't do it as a sport but for fun. However, sport it is. And I love it. Jumping or diving in on a hot day and getting the cool refreshing feeling all over your body. Jumping in even when its absolutely freezing, and you know it, but you jump in anyways. Jumping in when it's pitch black out and you can't see where you're going or what you're doing. Jumping in from high heights. Jumping into rapids. Just... Jumping in at all times. (Jumping here is used just as a word... it could be replaced with a multitude of others.)
Because I love water so much I always end up having really long showers. I can get all I need to get done in a shower within 5 minutes, but I can hardly bear to leave that amazing heat in liquid form pouring over me. The pressure and the warmth... I love showers. So I always end up either standing or sitting in my shower for probably 20 minutes or longer, just.. being there. Taking in the warmth. Sometime I curl up in the bottom of the shower and fall asleep, the shower warmer and in some ways more comforting than a blanket.
And that is what I did today.

2010-04-27T23:25:00.001-07:00

bee tee dubs:
21 posts out of 27 days... considering that for 4 of those days I had no access to a computer, and for at least one I was not aware of BEDA.... I think thats pretty good!
Who knows how good quality the posts actually are though....

People, Places and Things

2010-04-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

Well. It is Tuesday. I slept in. Which means I was late for school. And missed running.
I'm not sure how I feel about the world yet. I sorta feel disconnected from it. Like, there was RYLA which was so amazing and I felt soo alive every minute of it and smiled more often in 4 days than I have ever smiled... and now I am home and there aren't really things to get me excited all the time and people who make feel so inspired. But I guess I now have to do this for myself instead of people doing it for me.
And I have my/Tanis's fake birthday on friday to be excited for, AND the person I connected with the most at RYLA is coming up for it. Cause she lives in Squamish, which is fairly close.
Speaking of this friend... she is amazing. She was actually one of the counselors, not one of the students, which I think is kinda amusing, and she is... just... I don't know.. can't describe her. Very, very funny, with a beautiful smile, and so much like me but not... kind of like how all my really good friends are. Very like me in many, many ways, but so different as an overall person.
So yes, this amazing person is so amazing that she is driving allllll the way up from Squamish just to come to my FAKE birthday. And I will be the absolutely only person she knows there. So that should be really fun. Wow I just spent a long while on google maps trying to get correct directions to give to her so she will be able to find my house on friday. Jeeeuss.
And now I have to do the homework I've been putting off for so long. And then go to bed and wake up on time. For real.
Blehhhhhhhh
Sooo excited for my fake birthdaayyy! heha;lskdhgl;ae rgfhahahahahhayes

Jacked on RYLA

2010-04-27T00:17:00.000-07:00

OH SHIT! It's past 12! Which means this technically doesn't count for today.... but I'm going to pretend that it does.
I should probably talk about RYLA right away before I start loosing the feeling it gave me, but its just so difficult to describe it to anyone who has never been there.
I made alot of friends and met some really awesome people there, and learnt so many stories in such a short time... And I know there are some friends that I made there that will be friends for life. Really, for me, that is one of the main highlight from RYLA. The people that I met and that are now a part of my life. Each of them have changed me (even just the smallest bit) because people change me all the time... just usually I'm not meeting so many new ones in such a short time. But anyways, the people there were all just absolutely amazing. I don't think I disliked a single person there, and even the people I didn't get along with as well as with others I still enjoyed talking to and just learning about them.
Some of the workshops we did were not very interesting. Either the information was but the presentor wasn't, or vice versa. However, I do feel like I learned and gained something from every one.
I absolutely adored my cabin, and all our late nights talking about the stupidest things, and gorging ourselves on chocolate.
Basically, every single thing about RYLA was completely fantastic, and I am soo glad I went. Maybe I am not a completely different person, but now I am more confident that I could become the different person that I want to be.
The whole atmosphere there was amazing. Everyone was so supportive and kind and no matter what you did it seemed as if you couldn't go wrong. This feeling made it so much easier for me to reveal myself to what otherwise might have been complete strangers, and to generally open myself up more than I normally would in an unfamiliar situation.
I know that RYLA is something I will carry with me my entire life. It was a great experience, and even if I never continue in any Rotary things I will always remember my time at RYLA and how great it was.